You turned one!

First birthday: October 17, 2015 

Favorite food: Olives, bread, and sweets 

Favorite toys: Baby doll, balls, anything that makes noise, and books

Words you know: Baby, mommy, daddy, ball, balloon, cat 

Things you love to do: Run away from daddy, shop, play outside, run around with Elizabeth

Temperament: Mostly happy, but can get irritated pretty fast

Things that excite you: Elizabeth, babies, stuffed animals, going downstairs 

People who love you: Everyone. But especially me. 

Happy birthday, baby girl! 

                               

A mother's heart is always full.

Dear Ash,

Today I was holding you in my arms, rocking you before nap time. You sat and grinned up at me, holding my hand with your cute, tiny hand. With your other hand, you kept reaching up and cupping my cheek, then touching my lips and laughing. It was darling and my heart melted.

Today, my heart is full of gratitude.



For you.

For the time I get to spend with you every single day.

For the chance I get to watch you grow and learn and play.


For simply being your mother. I could never have asked for a bigger blessing.



I love you.

Love,
Mom

The Sabbath day for a mom isn't always a restful day.

Dear Ash,

We've been reminded of the importance of the Sabbath day lately and it has gotten me to really think about how I can make the day more meaningful for myself. My seminary teacher once told our class about how he judged how well he kept the Sabbath day holy by how rested he felt afterwards.

If we're judging it by that standard, then I am entirely failing.

It can be a little hard, sometimes. I have to admit that sometimes going to church with you is exhausting (and when I say sometimes, I actually mean every week). Just keeping you entertained and quiet is quite the job. Add that on top of all the other things that mothers do every day and don't get a break from even on Sunday (like, getting ready, getting you ready, making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks and cleaning up from those, and just taking care of you), Sundays can be harder than other days.

I've been trying really hard, though, to set Sunday apart as a day of rest, one during which I can focus on other, really important things. Here are some of my goals.

I try to do as much as I can to prepare on Saturday. I clean and food prep for any meals I'm going to make. I clip our nails and pack the diaper bag for church. I try really hard to do Sunday's work on Saturday. I'm not perfect at this and it isn't possible to do ALL the work, but that's my goal.

Something else I find really helpful in bringing a different Spirit to the day is simply listening to Sunday music. I start at breakfast and try to keep it going. It makes all the difference sometimes.

I like to use my free time on Sundays to write letters or to study scriptures. This really reminds me that it is a special day, one that I'm setting aside for the Lord. Ben and I always try to spend time relaxing together and now that we're so close to family, it's easy to spend time with them on Sunday evenings as well.

I know that the Sabbath means different things to different people. Sometimes I forget to do something and end up having to do it on Sunday. Sometimes our plans change or I have a bad week. And sometimes, you are more work than others. I know that the most important part of keeping the Sabbath day holy is simply trying.

Try to keep the Savior in our thoughts. Try to make the sacrament meaningful. Try to find ways to show the Lord that you are setting aside the day for him. Everyone does this differently and I am always finding new or different ways to do so. I know that as I am trying, the Lord sees my efforts and appreciates them.

Even when you stand up and shriek during church.

Love,
Mom

What Being a Mother Really Means

Dear Ash,

I remember when I was in high school, I used to think, I can't wait until I grow up so that when I am in the middle of an intense book, I don't have to stop reading to take stupid tests and vacuum classrooms after school. 

I thought I would have MORE time to read. Ha. How naive I was.

I am now doing what I always wanted to be doing. I am a stay-at-home wife and mother. That was my dream. I had contingency plans and what-not, in case I ended up not getting married or being able to have kids, but if I could, this is what I wanted.

I have to admit, it's not exactly how I thought it would be. You see, while I knew this was what I wanted, I hadn't really thought about the little details, what it would actually be like day in and day out. And there are a lot of things I didn't realize about what being a mother actually means.

Being a mother means an endless number of peek a boo games. Every day. All day long.

It means needing haul a child in and out of a hot car anytime you are brave enough to run more than one errand in the same trip.

As a mother, you not only get to change diapers all day long, but you get to wrestle your child simultaneously, because they want their diaper changed even less than you want to change it.

It means reading the same books and singing the same songs and watching the same shows probably a million times. I don't think that's a hyperbole.

Being a mother means yogurt messes every morning and a bath after every meal.

It means going home early from family parties and social functions because, bed time.

As a mom, you get to reach back while driving and hand your child a new toy every time they throw the one they have. Or better yet, tap their cheek to make sure they don't fall asleep because you're driving home too close to nap time.

Sometimes, being a mom means stress and worry and sleep deprivation. It can mean heartache and loneliness and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. And yet, motherhood also means so much more than all the day in and day out drudgery that sometimes seems to overpower everything else.

Being a mother means watching your baby laugh when you play peek a boo with them, EVERY SINGLE time.

It means hearing your baby screech in delight from the back seat every time you drive in the car.

As a mother, you not only get to teach your child everything about their world, but you also get a front seat as they learn and explore and grow.

It means reading magical books and singing silly songs and looking through a child's eyes again.

Being a mother means making messes and splashing in the bath with your baby (who, by the way, is delighted by both the messes and the splashing).

It means going home early from family parties and social functions to spend precious one-on-one time with your little baby who is growing up too fast.

As a mom, you are on the receiving end of hugs and kisses and snuggles all the time. You get to chase and be chased, laugh at all the ridiculously cute things your child does, and be there with them as they grow up. It's hard and wonderful and magical, all at once.

Because most of the time, being a mom means love and prayers and over flowing gratitude that you get to watch over and protect such a sweet, innocent child. And that, that is probably the best thing in the world.

Love,
Mom

Baby hungry? More like, infant hungry.

Dear Ash,

You have a new baby cousin. He's only three days old and let me tell you, he is adorable.

I can't get enough of holding him, even when you protest (sorry, not sorry). He is just tiny, tiny, tiny. He has tiny little arms and legs, little bitty fingers and toes, and the cutest mop of dark hair on top of his head.

It has me baby hungry. Even though logistically (and pretty much every way except emotionally), we're not ready for a new baby, I sure wish we were. There is something so special about new babies.

This morning, you slept later than I wanted you to (a rare occurrence) and I went in to wake you up. I took one look at you and knew I just couldn't do it. So instead, I sat down on the couch and watched you breathe and squirm and--when you finally were waking up--stretch. I thought I would just die, you were that cute.

But as I sat there on that couch, I couldn't get over how big you looked. And it broke my heart.

I remember when you were so tiny, you barely fit in your car seat.

I remember when newborn diapers looked huge on you.

I remember the first time I put you in your crib for a nap, I almost couldn't bring myself to leave you there because of how small you looked.

Now, you've almost outgrown your car seat, you wear size three diapers and they definitely don't look small on you, and you stand up at the side of your crib calling for me when you wake up.

How do moms deal with their babies growing up? I'd really like to know the secret, because I feel like you are growing up way too quickly.

Please stay little forever.

Love,
Mom

A my-baby-is-almost-9-months-old update.

Dear Ash,

It's been forever since I've written. Isn't funny how, when life is the busiest (meaning you'd have the most to write), you have the least amount of time to actually write it down.

Since I've last written, we have moved and unpacked twice. I had my big dance performance. Your father quit his job, began working for himself, and launched a big online course. You have started crawling, climbing, standing, cruising, and almost walking.

We took you to the beach and you loved it. You walked (holding my fingers for balance) right into the water and plopped down. You were crawling all over, taking handfuls of sand and shoving them into your mouth as fast as you could. When we were on the boat, you would turn your face towards the wind, squint your eyes, and grin. You love the water so much.

You still don't sleep the full eleven hours at night that you are supposed to without waking up, but you do pretty good. You usually wake up between 5:45 and 6:30 still, but you almost always go back to sleep and sleep until 7:30 or 8. It's nice, but I'm hoping you learn to sleep through the night without waking up at all soon.

You have such a cute little personality and it's still growing. You laugh all the time and love getting attention from people as long as I'm holding you. If anyone else tries to take you, you scream. Certain people--namely, your grandmothers, your aunt Melissa, and of course your father--are acceptable to you (especially if I'm not around!). You love water, ice cream (healthy, of course), nursing, wearing only your diaper, getting out of the car, and new toys. Your favorite toys are things that aren't meant to be toys, like the lids to candles.

I sure love you. You are so cute and so lovable. I am so grateful you are my baby girl.

Now if only I could get you to stop growing up so fast!

Love,
Mom

Understanding Babies' Cries

Dear Ash,

People say that, as a mother, you grow to understand your baby's cries. You can tell from their cries whether they are hungry, tired, need a diaper change, etc.

I have to be honest. I can't. I can't tell just from your cries. When you do cry, I generally know why, just because we have you on a schedule and I actually generally know when you're going to start getting upset. Because I spend pretty much all day every day with you, I know that you'll start getting grumpy about an hour and a half after you wake up. I know you'll cry when I set you down to change your diaper and when I get you out of the bath. I know you'll be mad if I hand you to someone else or won't let you roll over because I'm clipping your nails or getting you dressed. But your cries alone don't actually tell me those things.

They've actually done studies looking at whether moms can distinguish between their baby's cries for various things. The outcome of the study was that, mostly, mom's can't. That's not a bad thing. As a mom, you learn that when you're baby is crying, you try to figure out what's wrong by doing different things. You try to feed them or change them or pick them up. If nothing works, let them cry for a few minutes and try again. That's actually really good for babies. Sometimes, babies just need to cry (especially when they're really little and colicky). There are times when babies will not be soothed by anything, cries for fifteen minutes, and then the same soothing technique that didn't work before suddenly works. It's magic!

Although I can't tell what you want, necessarily, from your cries, I can tell how you're feeling. You basically have main three cries. You have you're complaining cry (which is actually not really even a cry), your I'm-upset-and-I-want-you-to-know-it cry, and your mad cry.

Your complaining cry doesn't bother me at all. It's like, you aren't really happy with things, but you're not really upset either. You do this sometimes when I put you down for your nap. It's almost like you're calling out to me to come get you, which is really cute. You'll also cry like this sometimes in your carseat or if I'm feeding you solids too slowly.

Your upset cry is the most common. You do this almost every time I set you down to change your diaper now. You also do this when I leave the room, hand you to someone else, set you on the floor, switch sides during your feeding, or leave you for your nap. If you are crying your complain crying and we don't do something about whatever it is you're crying about, you usually work yourself up to this. This cry used to bother me so much, but I'm getting more used to it. I still do what I can to help you, but it doesn't stress me out as much anymore.

Your mad cry, I can't handle. It's like your screaming. It's so sad. You rarely do this, though. The first time you did it was in Vernal. I was trying to get you to go to sleep, but you were so mad about being swaddled, you couldn't handle it. You were even crying while sucking on your binky. You eventually worked yourself up to your scream crying and it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. You do this sometimes when you get so tired and I'm not there. You also did it when I accidentally bonked your head with a shower curtain rod. It fell and it hit your head and you were very upset. It took me forever to calm you down. Usually, when you get this way, the only thing that I can do to calm you down is either feed you or get you to go to sleep.

Obviously, you have different ranges through these three cries. And you don't always cry for the same reasons. You are a pretty temperamental baby, so you sort of cry a lot. I do what I can to keep you happy and content, but I can't do that all the time (obviously). One minute, you'll be perfectly happy, the next you'll be mad (often for no apparent reason). I know that as you get older, you'll be able to let me know why you're upset and I can help teach you to regulate your emotions better.

Until then, I'll just shower you with snuggles and make sure you know how loved and safe and taken care of you are. You are a sweet baby and we do love you, even when you cry.

Love,
Mom