Lessons of a New Mother

Dear Ash,

You eat so much, I can hardly keep up with you.

You're not even two weeks old and you already weigh 8 pounds 5 ounces. That's almost a whole pound more than when you were born. What a good little grower we have!

We've started training you to actually sleep in your co-sleeper. Last night, we moved it back into our bedroom. Benjamin woke up a few more times, but not taking you out into the living room cut off half an hour to hour of time trying to get you back to sleep each time I fed you. It was really nice.

I was reading a blog yesterday and the lady said, "Isn't it funny how something that sleeps 18 to 22 hours a day can be so exhausting to take care of?" How true. Taking care of you certainly is a full time job and I've had to learn a lot.

I've had to learn that little, soft pats on the back aren't going to get any burps out of you. I've got to pat a lot harder than I thought.

I've had to learn to wait ten or fifteen minutes before changing you. Otherwise, you might decide you aren't done and then we definitely won't be able to afford all your diapers.

I've had to learn to let you fuss a little, because usually you'll put yourself back to sleep within a couple minutes if I don't pick you up.

I've had to learn that sometimes you can go four hours without eating and other times, you need to eat every hour.

I've had to learn that it's okay to set you down to get myself food or go to the bathroom, even if you get a little grumpy when I do.

I've had to learn to have your clean diaper ready before I take your dirty one off. If I'm not fast enough, every other diaper change you would make a little puddle on the changing pad and then we'd have to change all your clothes. And you hate that.

What I haven't had to learn is how to love you. I love being your mother, I love doing all those little mom things--changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep. Even the middle of the night feedings are somehow magical, because you are just precious. I am excited for when I can sleep for longer than three hours in a row again and it'll be really nice when you start getting better at soothing yourself, but I still can't wish for those times to come faster.

You are too precious to wish even a minute of my time with you away.

Love,
Mom

Quiet Moments

Dear Ash,

Today is the first time I'm alone with you all day.

We've had SO many people coming to help, even with Ben gone, I haven't had to take care of you by myself yet. I have loved all the help, but it is nice to have quiet moments just me and you.

You are being just precious this morning. I'm sitting here, holding you while you snooze, totally in love with you. I know I should put you in your co-sleeper and take a nap while I have the chance, but you're just so precious I can hardly stand it.

Last night I got quite a bit of sleep. You did not want to go to bed, but your daddy took you and let me sleep for a few hours, even though he had to get up early for work this morning. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you and your daddy. He is the best father and the best husband.

I sure am blessed.

Love,
Mom

Thank You, Dryer

Dear Ash,

We put you to sleep with the dryer last night. You were crying and crying, and the dryer was running. I walked into the laundry room and the effect was almost instant--you stopped crying and your eyes started drooping. It put you right to sleep.

I think all new parents agree, anything you can do get your baby to sleep, you do it.

That's why most of the time, you don't even sleep in your co-sleeper. I put you in your carseat at night, because you like it better and sleep for longer in it. I still let you nap in your co-sleeper though.

We also give you a bath right before bed. You still don't like baths, you scream and scream while you're wet. As soon as I get you out, though, you are the calmest, cutest thing there ever was. You love to feel clean, I think you just don't like having your clothes off. The screaming wears you out for bed though.

You are just the cutest thing, even when you're crying. I love how your little cheeks look when you're sleeping, all squished up. And the faces you make. And your yawns.

Basically, everything you do is adorable and you can't do anything to help it.

Love,
Mom

One Boy, One Girl

Dear Ash,

We just adore you.

Your dad sent me this link today, while he was gone at work. It might be the post-pregnancy hormones, but it choked me up.

One Boy, One Girl

He had heard it before, but he said it was different to him now that he's your dad. I love that he loves you so much. He's so good with you, it tugs at my heartstrings.

I remember when he and I were dating. This, being with him, having you, that was all I wanted. I ached for it. Now my dream has come true and it's hard to believe how blessed I am to have my little family.

Sometimes I just look at you and think, how can this perfect little thing be mine? 

We love you more than you know.

Love,
Mom

Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Dear Ash,

Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

But it was one hundred percent worth it.

I woke up yesterday morning at 1:00, feeling what I thought was a cramp. I tried my best to get it to go away, then gave up and went back to bed. The feeling went away, then a couple minutes came back. That's when I wondered if it was a contraction, or a Braxton-Hicks. I decided to get up and take a bath, mostly to decide if it was Braxton-Hicks or not (since a bath is supposed to soothe Braxton-Hicks). The bath relaxed me, but I continued to get contractions about every three minutes and the warm water didn't lessen them.

So I showered and tried to go back to sleep. I snuggled up to Benjamin, but after two contractions, I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep and that lying there wasn't going to work for me. I got up and started to distract myself. I cleaned the house and made popcorn, straightened my hair. I just wanted to keep busy and get some things done I knew I wouldn't want to do when we got home with the baby. I also found an app on my phone that helped me track my contractions. From about 1:00 to 4:30, my contractions were all about thirty seconds long, three minutes apart. They weren't super intense, but they were a little painful. I practiced breathing and relaxing during them and tried calcium and lavender oil to help soothe them.

At about 4:30, my contractions began to get longer, closer to 45, 50 seconds, so I decided it was time to wake up Benjamin. The contractions were also starting to get quite a bit more intense at this point. Two or three contractions after waking up Ben, I felt really sick and threw up. I didn't throw up again after that, but I did feel sick throughout the rest of my labor.

While we waited for the contractions to get to be a minute long, they got more intense. That was about the time I started thinking, can I really do this without an epidural? I would lean into Benjamin, close my eyes, and focus on breathing instead of the pain.

We called the birthing center at 5:30 and they told us to meet us there at 6:00. So we finished packing our bag and I tried to eat some more food before we headed over.

At the birthing center, they checked me and set up my room. I was dilated to a 6 and was 90% effaced. Then the waiting began. They had a doula there for me and she helped me a lot with the pain of the contractions. At first, I would lie back, with my knees bent, and she would push into my knees. That worked really well for a little bit, until the contractions moved to my side and back.

When that happened, I switched positions. They brought in a birthing ball that I was able to lean over. Ben was in front of me, so I would squeeze his hands when a contraction came and the doula would use pressure points on my lower back to help with the pain. In between the contractions, she would rub my back and Ben would help me get a drink of water and nibble on some food (I could only nibble because I was still feeling sick).

That worked well for me for a couple hours. The time is really fuzzy to me, but around 8:00 or 9:00, the contractions were getting really intense, even with the things we were doing to help manage the pain, so I had them check me again. I had dilated to a seven, which was a little discouraging to me. I knew that from seven to ten centimeters (transition) was the hardest part and I was starting to get really tired. I would close my eyes between contractions and try to doze, but the contractions didn't always fully go away.

As the contractions got harder, I really wished I could have medicine to help with the pain. Being able to not have pain anymore and maybe sleep a little until it was time to push sounded like the best thing in the world. Sometime during this time, I asked if the birthing center had something else to help with the pain. They took me to the tub and offered me laughing gas.

The tub didn't help the contractions--they were still REALLY intense--but it really helped me relax and feel better between the contractions. I definitely dozed a little between contractions while in the tub. I was really zoned out, in the moment during the contractions and simply worn out between. Having Benjamin there, calm and offering his hands and encouragement, was the only thing that got through the last little bit. It was so hard.

Finally the time came to push. I was so, so grateful. I kept praying for it just to be over. I still had intense contractions, but once I started pushing, I didn't really notice them. It was great. Except that pushing also hurt, especially my lower back and bottom. I made a lot of sounds just like they make in the movies. Being able to make those sounds really helped.

I pushed and pushed, but you didn't come out very easily. Then your heartbeat spiked up (I didn't know this at the time, but Ben was watching the monitor and told me later) and the midwives decided they needed to move us back to the bedroom--quickly. I stood up and I knew you were coming right then. I told them that and they all came scrambling back, just in time to catch you and plop you into my arms.

You were beautiful. Even then. You let out a little cry and then were just as calm as can be.

They helped get me out of the tub and back to the bed, holding you the whole time. They let me hold you while they cut your cord, helped me push the placenta out, and cleaned and stitched me up. They helped me breastfeed you for the first time and you were a natural. You were so perfect and pink, all your little features so adorable. It was hard for me to connect you, so tiny and perfect, with the contractions and pushing I'd just experienced.

It was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I really wished I was in a hospital near the end, so I could have an epidural. I'm glad now I wasn't, because I really wanted to do it this way for you. Next time, we might end up doing it differently, but I wouldn't change a thing about your birth.

Especially what we got out of it: you.  

Love,
Mom

You Missed Your Due Date

Dear Ash,

I think you missed the memo that your due date was yesterday.

 Yeah, that was yesterday.

I guess it's now time to start doing all those things that supposedly bring on labor. I say supposedly because I'm a little skeptical that any of them actually work.

But I'll do most of them. I'll walk stairs and drink soy milk and blue cohosh. I'll eat dates and spicy food (your dad sure will be happy if I start making salsa everyday again). I will be more, ahem, active with your dad and I'll keep walking everyday. But I know you'll come when you're ready. I just hope we're ready.

We've been trying to prepare. I have gotten almost all my school work done ahead of time. We've set up your crib and organized all your cute little baby clothes. I've stocked up on easy-to-prepare food (like frozen burritos and waffles). And we've prayed everyday to be the kind of parents you need us to be.

This is you. Already being adorable. 

I feel like I've been preparing to be your mother my whole life. And yet, I don't feel ready. Is anyone ever ready, though, to be a parent? Really? I don't know. I guess in some ways.

All I know is, ready or not, you're coming. I'm so excited to see you, to hold you. I know you're dad is too. In fact, everyone is. Everyone is so excited for your arrival. You have no idea the world you're being born into, how many people you'll be surrounded by who love you. They've all been so supportive and generous as we've prepared for you, it chokes me up.

Some shower gifts. Everyone already loves you.

So while I know you'll come when you come (and I still enjoy being pregnant), I am excited for your birth. I can't wait to meet you, to see what you look like. Take your time, but really, all of us who are here waiting for you would love if you hurried it along. 

After all, your due date was yesterday. 

Love, 

Mom