Letters to Ash : Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Dear Ash,

Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

But it was one hundred percent worth it.

I woke up yesterday morning at 1:00, feeling what I thought was a cramp. I tried my best to get it to go away, then gave up and went back to bed. The feeling went away, then a couple minutes came back. That's when I wondered if it was a contraction, or a Braxton-Hicks. I decided to get up and take a bath, mostly to decide if it was Braxton-Hicks or not (since a bath is supposed to soothe Braxton-Hicks). The bath relaxed me, but I continued to get contractions about every three minutes and the warm water didn't lessen them.

So I showered and tried to go back to sleep. I snuggled up to Benjamin, but after two contractions, I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep and that lying there wasn't going to work for me. I got up and started to distract myself. I cleaned the house and made popcorn, straightened my hair. I just wanted to keep busy and get some things done I knew I wouldn't want to do when we got home with the baby. I also found an app on my phone that helped me track my contractions. From about 1:00 to 4:30, my contractions were all about thirty seconds long, three minutes apart. They weren't super intense, but they were a little painful. I practiced breathing and relaxing during them and tried calcium and lavender oil to help soothe them.

At about 4:30, my contractions began to get longer, closer to 45, 50 seconds, so I decided it was time to wake up Benjamin. The contractions were also starting to get quite a bit more intense at this point. Two or three contractions after waking up Ben, I felt really sick and threw up. I didn't throw up again after that, but I did feel sick throughout the rest of my labor.

While we waited for the contractions to get to be a minute long, they got more intense. That was about the time I started thinking, can I really do this without an epidural? I would lean into Benjamin, close my eyes, and focus on breathing instead of the pain.

We called the birthing center at 5:30 and they told us to meet us there at 6:00. So we finished packing our bag and I tried to eat some more food before we headed over.

At the birthing center, they checked me and set up my room. I was dilated to a 6 and was 90% effaced. Then the waiting began. They had a doula there for me and she helped me a lot with the pain of the contractions. At first, I would lie back, with my knees bent, and she would push into my knees. That worked really well for a little bit, until the contractions moved to my side and back.

When that happened, I switched positions. They brought in a birthing ball that I was able to lean over. Ben was in front of me, so I would squeeze his hands when a contraction came and the doula would use pressure points on my lower back to help with the pain. In between the contractions, she would rub my back and Ben would help me get a drink of water and nibble on some food (I could only nibble because I was still feeling sick).

That worked well for me for a couple hours. The time is really fuzzy to me, but around 8:00 or 9:00, the contractions were getting really intense, even with the things we were doing to help manage the pain, so I had them check me again. I had dilated to a seven, which was a little discouraging to me. I knew that from seven to ten centimeters (transition) was the hardest part and I was starting to get really tired. I would close my eyes between contractions and try to doze, but the contractions didn't always fully go away.

As the contractions got harder, I really wished I could have medicine to help with the pain. Being able to not have pain anymore and maybe sleep a little until it was time to push sounded like the best thing in the world. Sometime during this time, I asked if the birthing center had something else to help with the pain. They took me to the tub and offered me laughing gas.

The tub didn't help the contractions--they were still REALLY intense--but it really helped me relax and feel better between the contractions. I definitely dozed a little between contractions while in the tub. I was really zoned out, in the moment during the contractions and simply worn out between. Having Benjamin there, calm and offering his hands and encouragement, was the only thing that got through the last little bit. It was so hard.

Finally the time came to push. I was so, so grateful. I kept praying for it just to be over. I still had intense contractions, but once I started pushing, I didn't really notice them. It was great. Except that pushing also hurt, especially my lower back and bottom. I made a lot of sounds just like they make in the movies. Being able to make those sounds really helped.

I pushed and pushed, but you didn't come out very easily. Then your heartbeat spiked up (I didn't know this at the time, but Ben was watching the monitor and told me later) and the midwives decided they needed to move us back to the bedroom--quickly. I stood up and I knew you were coming right then. I told them that and they all came scrambling back, just in time to catch you and plop you into my arms.

You were beautiful. Even then. You let out a little cry and then were just as calm as can be.

They helped get me out of the tub and back to the bed, holding you the whole time. They let me hold you while they cut your cord, helped me push the placenta out, and cleaned and stitched me up. They helped me breastfeed you for the first time and you were a natural. You were so perfect and pink, all your little features so adorable. It was hard for me to connect you, so tiny and perfect, with the contractions and pushing I'd just experienced.

It was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I really wished I was in a hospital near the end, so I could have an epidural. I'm glad now I wasn't, because I really wanted to do it this way for you. Next time, we might end up doing it differently, but I wouldn't change a thing about your birth.