Why we decided to do a home birth this time around.

Dear Ash,

As I get further in my pregnancy, the fact that we're adding a second child to our family is getting more and more real. I think you're excited too (I know you don't actually understand, but it's still fun). I have you trained to pat my belly and say, "Baby, baby".

Last night, I finally started practicing Hypnobabies. As I've been reading through the book and listening to the first track, I have been thinking a lot about the way I've decided to do this birth.

With you, we went through a birthing center. I loosely followed a program my sister-in-law's midwife put together and sort of practiced the Hypnobabies in preparation for an epidural-free birth. While I love that you were born and wouldn't change anything about it now, Ben and I were not impressed at all with the birthing center and the way they handled both the prenatal care and the birth. We would not go through them again and would not recommend anyone to their facility. I also wished, especially during labor, that I had been more faithful with the diet I had been on and with practicing Hypnobabies.

I left the birthing center sure that for the next pregnancy, I'd be going to a hospital.

But, here I am. Practicing Hypnobabies. Meeting with a midwife, planning on a home birth. Following (much more strictly) the same diet and program I was following before.

I know that a lot of the stuff I am doing, people think it's crazy. Why not just do it in a hospital, get an epidural? This time around (having already given birth once),  I understand why women love epidurals. I know why some think it's crazy to go without one when you don't have to.

I think it's a really personal decision, that comes from your situation, your beliefs, your lifestyle, and what you feel directed to do. I also believe the Lord plays a huge part in how you nurture your children, from the time they are in the womb, continuing through their birth and on throughout the rest of their lives. This includes things like, hospital or at home, epidural or "natural".

For me, I have a low risk pregnancy. Because of that, I know home birth is best for me this time around. I know there are benefits for both baby and mother that come from declining an epidural and other interventions. I also know that low risk pregnancies are less likely to need to receive interventions in the comfort and safety of their own home rather than in a strange hospital.

The biggest factor that has influenced my decision is the midwife I am going through. Her name is Donna and if I hadn't found her (or someone like her), I would be going to a hospital. Even just the first meeting with her, I went from being very nervous about natural birth to completely confident in how this next birth will go. It was night and day from my experience with the birthing center.

Everything about prenatal care, with Donna, is helping prepare for the birth. From what you eat or don't eat to the supplements she has you take and when to different exercises she has you doing, she prepares your body for the easiest, shortest, and most painless birth possible. And during the birth, she helps you create the best atmosphere and is there the entire time, making sure things are going the way they need to, monitoring everything she needs to, and making sure your body is ready for the baby to come out.

For Donna, birth isn't something that happens. She makes it happen. She is so experienced, I know I am in safe hands. We've already had in depth discussions about exactly what will happen during the birth and what roles each person will play, what would constitute a transfer to the hospital, and what would happen if we did transfer. She is so concerned that both Ben and I are involved in the pregnancy and birthing process and always wants to know any concerns or questions we have. One day, she woke up thinking about me and called to make sure I was feeling alright, just because she cares so much.

You just wouldn't get that kind of support from a doctor in a hospital.

I love the feeling of 24 hour support and help that I get from Donna. I love the confidence that comes from knowing if I have a problem any time throughout this process, I can go to her and she will know what to do about it. I love that I can have the kind of birth that I want to have, without needing to worry that a hospital staff member will do something I don't want them to. And I love that there are things that I can do to help the birth go smoothly.

That's why I feel a home birth is best for us, this time around.

Love,
Mom

Christmas for a 1-year-old should be easier than this.

Dear Ash,

We thought this year, Christmas would be easy. You're only one, so it should be easy not to spoil you. I mean, honestly, you love everything. We could wrap up an empty box or plastic cups from the dollar store and you'd think it was the greatest thing ever.

But, you love everything.

You love animals. You love dogs and cats and owls. You love stuffed bears and all the noises animals make.

You love belly buttons. And I mean, love, belly buttons. And other body parts. Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes is one of your favorite songs. You love noses and ears and hair. You love to find eyes especially.

You love music. And dancing. And anything that makes noise.

You love books. You love baby dolls. You love barbies and toy cars and blocks and sunglasses. You love blankets and pillows and puzzle type toys.

You seriously love everything, so it's hard not to just get you everything.

We've already gotten your gifts and wrapped them, plus all the stocking stuffers for your stocking. And I'm so excited for you to open them all!

Now, I just have to wait five more days. And keep myself from buying more toys for you.

Love,
Mom

Real words versus baby words

Dear Ash,

You are currently learning to talk and I've honestly never heard anything more adorable in my life. You are so smart and learn so quickly, but your ability is a step by step process.

Here's how you say words:

Baby: you're spot on, baby

Cat: you always get the at part correct, but you often change the first letter

Dog: doggy or doddy

Owl: wowl or wowt


Wow: wo

Light: ight

What: oowah t

Laptop: daptap

Mole: Bo or bole

Balloon: baoo

Moon: baoo

Daddy: daddy or dad

Bunny: Bububu or buee

Vroom vroom: boom boom boom

I sure feel lucky to get a front seat as you are learning!

Love,
Mom

You turned one!

First birthday: October 17, 2015 

Favorite food: Olives, bread, and sweets 

Favorite toys: Baby doll, balls, anything that makes noise, and books

Words you know: Baby, mommy, daddy, ball, balloon, cat 

Things you love to do: Run away from daddy, shop, play outside, run around with Elizabeth

Temperament: Mostly happy, but can get irritated pretty fast

Things that excite you: Elizabeth, babies, stuffed animals, going downstairs 

People who love you: Everyone. But especially me. 

Happy birthday, baby girl! 

                               

A mother's heart is always full.

Dear Ash,

Today I was holding you in my arms, rocking you before nap time. You sat and grinned up at me, holding my hand with your cute, tiny hand. With your other hand, you kept reaching up and cupping my cheek, then touching my lips and laughing. It was darling and my heart melted.

Today, my heart is full of gratitude.



For you.

For the time I get to spend with you every single day.

For the chance I get to watch you grow and learn and play.


For simply being your mother. I could never have asked for a bigger blessing.



I love you.

Love,
Mom

The Sabbath day for a mom isn't always a restful day.

Dear Ash,

We've been reminded of the importance of the Sabbath day lately and it has gotten me to really think about how I can make the day more meaningful for myself. My seminary teacher once told our class about how he judged how well he kept the Sabbath day holy by how rested he felt afterwards.

If we're judging it by that standard, then I am entirely failing.

It can be a little hard, sometimes. I have to admit that sometimes going to church with you is exhausting (and when I say sometimes, I actually mean every week). Just keeping you entertained and quiet is quite the job. Add that on top of all the other things that mothers do every day and don't get a break from even on Sunday (like, getting ready, getting you ready, making breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks and cleaning up from those, and just taking care of you), Sundays can be harder than other days.

I've been trying really hard, though, to set Sunday apart as a day of rest, one during which I can focus on other, really important things. Here are some of my goals.

I try to do as much as I can to prepare on Saturday. I clean and food prep for any meals I'm going to make. I clip our nails and pack the diaper bag for church. I try really hard to do Sunday's work on Saturday. I'm not perfect at this and it isn't possible to do ALL the work, but that's my goal.

Something else I find really helpful in bringing a different Spirit to the day is simply listening to Sunday music. I start at breakfast and try to keep it going. It makes all the difference sometimes.

I like to use my free time on Sundays to write letters or to study scriptures. This really reminds me that it is a special day, one that I'm setting aside for the Lord. Ben and I always try to spend time relaxing together and now that we're so close to family, it's easy to spend time with them on Sunday evenings as well.

I know that the Sabbath means different things to different people. Sometimes I forget to do something and end up having to do it on Sunday. Sometimes our plans change or I have a bad week. And sometimes, you are more work than others. I know that the most important part of keeping the Sabbath day holy is simply trying.

Try to keep the Savior in our thoughts. Try to make the sacrament meaningful. Try to find ways to show the Lord that you are setting aside the day for him. Everyone does this differently and I am always finding new or different ways to do so. I know that as I am trying, the Lord sees my efforts and appreciates them.

Even when you stand up and shriek during church.

Love,
Mom

What Being a Mother Really Means

Dear Ash,

I remember when I was in high school, I used to think, I can't wait until I grow up so that when I am in the middle of an intense book, I don't have to stop reading to take stupid tests and vacuum classrooms after school. 

I thought I would have MORE time to read. Ha. How naive I was.

I am now doing what I always wanted to be doing. I am a stay-at-home wife and mother. That was my dream. I had contingency plans and what-not, in case I ended up not getting married or being able to have kids, but if I could, this is what I wanted.

I have to admit, it's not exactly how I thought it would be. You see, while I knew this was what I wanted, I hadn't really thought about the little details, what it would actually be like day in and day out. And there are a lot of things I didn't realize about what being a mother actually means.

Being a mother means an endless number of peek a boo games. Every day. All day long.

It means needing haul a child in and out of a hot car anytime you are brave enough to run more than one errand in the same trip.

As a mother, you not only get to change diapers all day long, but you get to wrestle your child simultaneously, because they want their diaper changed even less than you want to change it.

It means reading the same books and singing the same songs and watching the same shows probably a million times. I don't think that's a hyperbole.

Being a mother means yogurt messes every morning and a bath after every meal.

It means going home early from family parties and social functions because, bed time.

As a mom, you get to reach back while driving and hand your child a new toy every time they throw the one they have. Or better yet, tap their cheek to make sure they don't fall asleep because you're driving home too close to nap time.

Sometimes, being a mom means stress and worry and sleep deprivation. It can mean heartache and loneliness and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. And yet, motherhood also means so much more than all the day in and day out drudgery that sometimes seems to overpower everything else.

Being a mother means watching your baby laugh when you play peek a boo with them, EVERY SINGLE time.

It means hearing your baby screech in delight from the back seat every time you drive in the car.

As a mother, you not only get to teach your child everything about their world, but you also get a front seat as they learn and explore and grow.

It means reading magical books and singing silly songs and looking through a child's eyes again.

Being a mother means making messes and splashing in the bath with your baby (who, by the way, is delighted by both the messes and the splashing).

It means going home early from family parties and social functions to spend precious one-on-one time with your little baby who is growing up too fast.

As a mom, you are on the receiving end of hugs and kisses and snuggles all the time. You get to chase and be chased, laugh at all the ridiculously cute things your child does, and be there with them as they grow up. It's hard and wonderful and magical, all at once.

Because most of the time, being a mom means love and prayers and over flowing gratitude that you get to watch over and protect such a sweet, innocent child. And that, that is probably the best thing in the world.

Love,
Mom

Baby hungry? More like, infant hungry.

Dear Ash,

You have a new baby cousin. He's only three days old and let me tell you, he is adorable.

I can't get enough of holding him, even when you protest (sorry, not sorry). He is just tiny, tiny, tiny. He has tiny little arms and legs, little bitty fingers and toes, and the cutest mop of dark hair on top of his head.

It has me baby hungry. Even though logistically (and pretty much every way except emotionally), we're not ready for a new baby, I sure wish we were. There is something so special about new babies.

This morning, you slept later than I wanted you to (a rare occurrence) and I went in to wake you up. I took one look at you and knew I just couldn't do it. So instead, I sat down on the couch and watched you breathe and squirm and--when you finally were waking up--stretch. I thought I would just die, you were that cute.

But as I sat there on that couch, I couldn't get over how big you looked. And it broke my heart.

I remember when you were so tiny, you barely fit in your car seat.

I remember when newborn diapers looked huge on you.

I remember the first time I put you in your crib for a nap, I almost couldn't bring myself to leave you there because of how small you looked.

Now, you've almost outgrown your car seat, you wear size three diapers and they definitely don't look small on you, and you stand up at the side of your crib calling for me when you wake up.

How do moms deal with their babies growing up? I'd really like to know the secret, because I feel like you are growing up way too quickly.

Please stay little forever.

Love,
Mom

A my-baby-is-almost-9-months-old update.

Dear Ash,

It's been forever since I've written. Isn't funny how, when life is the busiest (meaning you'd have the most to write), you have the least amount of time to actually write it down.

Since I've last written, we have moved and unpacked twice. I had my big dance performance. Your father quit his job, began working for himself, and launched a big online course. You have started crawling, climbing, standing, cruising, and almost walking.

We took you to the beach and you loved it. You walked (holding my fingers for balance) right into the water and plopped down. You were crawling all over, taking handfuls of sand and shoving them into your mouth as fast as you could. When we were on the boat, you would turn your face towards the wind, squint your eyes, and grin. You love the water so much.

You still don't sleep the full eleven hours at night that you are supposed to without waking up, but you do pretty good. You usually wake up between 5:45 and 6:30 still, but you almost always go back to sleep and sleep until 7:30 or 8. It's nice, but I'm hoping you learn to sleep through the night without waking up at all soon.

You have such a cute little personality and it's still growing. You laugh all the time and love getting attention from people as long as I'm holding you. If anyone else tries to take you, you scream. Certain people--namely, your grandmothers, your aunt Melissa, and of course your father--are acceptable to you (especially if I'm not around!). You love water, ice cream (healthy, of course), nursing, wearing only your diaper, getting out of the car, and new toys. Your favorite toys are things that aren't meant to be toys, like the lids to candles.

I sure love you. You are so cute and so lovable. I am so grateful you are my baby girl.

Now if only I could get you to stop growing up so fast!

Love,
Mom

Understanding Babies' Cries

Dear Ash,

People say that, as a mother, you grow to understand your baby's cries. You can tell from their cries whether they are hungry, tired, need a diaper change, etc.

I have to be honest. I can't. I can't tell just from your cries. When you do cry, I generally know why, just because we have you on a schedule and I actually generally know when you're going to start getting upset. Because I spend pretty much all day every day with you, I know that you'll start getting grumpy about an hour and a half after you wake up. I know you'll cry when I set you down to change your diaper and when I get you out of the bath. I know you'll be mad if I hand you to someone else or won't let you roll over because I'm clipping your nails or getting you dressed. But your cries alone don't actually tell me those things.

They've actually done studies looking at whether moms can distinguish between their baby's cries for various things. The outcome of the study was that, mostly, mom's can't. That's not a bad thing. As a mom, you learn that when you're baby is crying, you try to figure out what's wrong by doing different things. You try to feed them or change them or pick them up. If nothing works, let them cry for a few minutes and try again. That's actually really good for babies. Sometimes, babies just need to cry (especially when they're really little and colicky). There are times when babies will not be soothed by anything, cries for fifteen minutes, and then the same soothing technique that didn't work before suddenly works. It's magic!

Although I can't tell what you want, necessarily, from your cries, I can tell how you're feeling. You basically have main three cries. You have you're complaining cry (which is actually not really even a cry), your I'm-upset-and-I-want-you-to-know-it cry, and your mad cry.

Your complaining cry doesn't bother me at all. It's like, you aren't really happy with things, but you're not really upset either. You do this sometimes when I put you down for your nap. It's almost like you're calling out to me to come get you, which is really cute. You'll also cry like this sometimes in your carseat or if I'm feeding you solids too slowly.

Your upset cry is the most common. You do this almost every time I set you down to change your diaper now. You also do this when I leave the room, hand you to someone else, set you on the floor, switch sides during your feeding, or leave you for your nap. If you are crying your complain crying and we don't do something about whatever it is you're crying about, you usually work yourself up to this. This cry used to bother me so much, but I'm getting more used to it. I still do what I can to help you, but it doesn't stress me out as much anymore.

Your mad cry, I can't handle. It's like your screaming. It's so sad. You rarely do this, though. The first time you did it was in Vernal. I was trying to get you to go to sleep, but you were so mad about being swaddled, you couldn't handle it. You were even crying while sucking on your binky. You eventually worked yourself up to your scream crying and it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. You do this sometimes when you get so tired and I'm not there. You also did it when I accidentally bonked your head with a shower curtain rod. It fell and it hit your head and you were very upset. It took me forever to calm you down. Usually, when you get this way, the only thing that I can do to calm you down is either feed you or get you to go to sleep.

Obviously, you have different ranges through these three cries. And you don't always cry for the same reasons. You are a pretty temperamental baby, so you sort of cry a lot. I do what I can to keep you happy and content, but I can't do that all the time (obviously). One minute, you'll be perfectly happy, the next you'll be mad (often for no apparent reason). I know that as you get older, you'll be able to let me know why you're upset and I can help teach you to regulate your emotions better.

Until then, I'll just shower you with snuggles and make sure you know how loved and safe and taken care of you are. You are a sweet baby and we do love you, even when you cry.

Love,
Mom

Our Day Together

Dear Ash, 

I love our days together. 

I usually get up before you do. It depends on how tired I am and also how late you sleep. You generally wake up between 7:30 and 8:30. I used to have you wake up within a half hour block, but I hate waking you up. If I can, I always just let you sleep for as long as you need. 

If I wake up before you, I start with scriptures. If Benjamin hasn't left for work yet, I help him pack his lunch and make us breakfast. After eating breakfast and checking Facebook, email, etc., I tidy up the house. You are almost always awake by this time. 

You usually wake up happy and hungry. I feed you, change your diaper, and we play for a little while. If I haven't eaten yet, I'll get breakfast and finish picking up the house. With your help, of course. You love to be in the same room as me now (you scream when I leave you alone), so I usually tote you along with me as we do chores. 

Then it's bath time. You love bath time. Your favorite room in the house is the bathroom. It always has been. I think it's how bright it is. I'm not really sure. You also love being in the water. More and more, you'll play in there. I got you foam alphabet letters and you love them. They're perfect for chewing on. You still don't like getting out of the bath, but you don't scream. 

Once we have you dressed for the day, it's usually time to feed you and put you down for your first nap. You sleep an hour and a half to two hours. That's my writing time. I sometimes do other things too, but I have to get at least 500 words in while you're asleep. If I didn't have a chance to before you woke up, this is also when I do scriptures. 

When you wake up, I feed you and change your diaper and blah blah blah again. Then we read and sing together in your room for a little bit. When you get tired of that, we move to the living room. You get to go in your exercauser with Signing Time on. You LOVE signing time. You don't usually sit and watch it for very long, but you get so, so excited when it starts. Then, while you watch and play and watch and play, I go in the kitchen (which is connected to the living room) and make dinner and everything else that we eat. 

Then sometime before or during your second nap, daddy gets home. You usually sleep for less time during your second nap, about an hour and a half. When you wake up, dad is almost always home (unless he's at class) and we both play with you. You love when your dad plays with you, he's way more wild than I am. You get so excited when you see him. 

After dinner, a lot of times, daddy plays us guitar and I try to snuggle you on the couch while you squirm around. If it's warm, we take a little walk while dad works. If it's not, we might turn Signing Time back on or play with your toys. Then, half an hour before bed, we go in your room and get you all ready to sleep. Then it's bed time for you. 

After I put you down, I usually straighten up real fast and get ready for bed. Then I get to do whatever I want. Usually I end up snuggling with daddy, watching a TV show with him, or reading while he works. After a last dreamfeed, your dad and I try to go to bed. We usually end up talking way too late though. Those moments are nice. I hope you find someone as good for you as he is for me. 

I think we're a pretty lucky family. 

Love,

Mom

Baby Home Schooling

Dear Ash,

You're going to be home schooled. Some people think that's crazy.

It's something your father and I knew before we even got married, though. Your dad and all his siblings were home schooled. If she could have, your grandma would have home schooled my brothers and me as well. We were both able to see the advantages of home schooling.

There are a lot of "arguments" against home schooling. You're not even old enough for school yet, but I already have people sharing with me their I-knew-a-person-who-turned-out-uneducated/awkward/horrible-"because-of"-being-home-schooled stories and shock at the idea that I would put my kids at that "disadvantage".

I was thinking this past weekend about your sleep situation. When we first brought you home, your father and I had no idea what we were doing. We were NOT sleep experts. We'd set you down in your co-sleeper and within a minute, you'd start crying. We would change you, feed you, and attempt (and when I say attempt, I mean, we tried but honestly had no idea how to) swaddle you. Nothing worked. So we took you in shifts. And then people came to help and they took some shifts too. And we got you to sleep in your crib occasionally.

Then we started putting you to sleep in your car seat. And I bought a swaddle blanket. And we got white noise. And on and on and on. We did everything we could to get you to sleep when we wanted you to be sleeping. It didn't always work. You went through a phase where you woke up every fifteen minutes. You went through a forty five minutes nap phase. You had a time when you wouldn't sleep between ten and one in the morning.

Through it all, I read like crazy. I read literally everything I could find on baby sleep. I read blogs. I read sample baby sleep schedules. I read books. And I learned a lot about sleep in general and also how baby sleep cycles work. But the thing that I became expert on wasn't sleep, or even baby sleep. It was MY baby's sleep. I am an expert on your sleep. I know how to get you to go to sleep. I have a 90% guess rate within five minutes of when you'll wake up. I can tell if you are too mad/worked up to go to sleep or if I just need to leave you be for a minute.

I think that's how home schooling is. I am not an expert in science or math or history. I know a lot about writing, but I'm still learning. I am a great reader, but I've never taught anyone else how to read. But the thing is, I know that won't really matter. I'll learn and read and use some of the endless resources that are available. I will do my very best to make sure I am doing my part. But the most important thing is not to be an expert in every subject. The important thing is to be an expert in you, in how you learn.

That's the beauty of home schooling. I know it's not for everyone. I also know that public school isn't bad, or even not good. I was in public school until college. But I do know that for my family, for my children, home schooling will be the best thing. With my children home with me, I can help them learn the way they learn best. I can meet their individual needs and do what I, as their mother, know is going to work for them. I can do what works best for you.

I feel that I am already beginning our home school journey, even though you are still so small. You learn so quickly, it amazes me. You are so smart. I pray that I can help give you confidence in yourself. I pray that I can help you see how smart and talented you are. I pray that I can give the best education, the best one for you.

Love,
Mom

No Longer a Newborn

Dear Ash,

You definitely aren't a newborn anymore.

You've grown so much, it almost makes me sad. But it's so fun to watch as you find new ways to explore the world. You are so precious.

You roll over from your back to your tummy all the time. Sometimes, you then love being on your tummy. You've finally gotten to the point where you will push yourself up with your arms and play with toys. You also really enjoy eating the floor or blanket or whatever happens to be in front of you. When you're grumpy, though, you'll roll over and then get mad that you're on your stomach. Ever since that first time you rolled from your stomach to your back, you don't even attempt it anymore. You just play or cry. 

You really seem to enjoy life, as you are getting older. One of your favorite things is going outside. You love seeing everything and hearing all the noises. Dad and I have sat with you in the grass and you think that's the greatest thing. Grandma also took out on a swing and you loved that. Of course, when daddy put you in a swing at the park, you started crying. 

You still love bath time (though luckily, you no longer scream-usually-when it's time to get out). You will sit and suck on your big toe like it's your thumb. You still love to suck all the water out of the washcloth (and I'm still not sure whether that's a good thing or not). 

In regards to sleeping, you don't do too badly. We had to stop swaddling you, for safety reasons, now that you can roll over. You sleep through the night now, but your naps still aren't as great as when we could swaddle. Part of me worries, they never will be. 

You've started laughing, cute little laughs that are only one or two syllables long. It's adorable. When your daddy or I do something that makes you laugh, we can't help but do it over and over again.You also talk ALL the time. Your newest thing is to go "Aaaaaaah, ppp (this is blowing raspberries with your lips) baaaaah." And when I do it back to you, you laugh and grin so big. You've also started talking with me. You'll talk, then stop and wait for me to say something before talking again. 

You still love singing, but your new favorite thing is noises. You love silly noises and especially animal noises. I have to make animal noises every time I clip your nails. Otherwise, you get so mad at me for making you hold still that long. You never want to be still and staying in the same position for too long sends you into fits of grunts (you are forever grunting when you get frustrated or upset). 

We've also started giving you real food. We haven't really "started" you on solids. I don't sit and feed you baby food or anything like that. We mostly just give you tastes of food. Daddy gave you a taste of ice cream once and you love it so much, we can't help but share little tastes every time we have it now. You also love blueberries, peas, pinto beans, oranges, strawberries, pineapple, and pickles. Pickles are probably your very favorite. We give you the big ones and you'll hold onto it and suck and suck and suck. It's adorable. You don't really like bananas too much and you have no idea what to make of lemons. Tomorrow, I'm gong to try cooking some carrots and seeing if you'll eat them mashed up. My guess is, you will. At this point, pretty much anything we put in your mouth, you'll eat. 

It's still hard to believe how big you're getting. In some ways, I'm glad (for instance, I love that you sleep through the night). It's really fun to watch you grow. But it is bittersweet. I already miss my tiny newborn that I brought home, the one who kept me up all night and cried for what seemed like forever and just let me snuggle her while she slept. I know we'll have more children and there will always be newborns for me to hold later, but they won't ever be that baby girl. They won't ever be my first baby. 

That spot is reserved for you. Always. 

Love, 

Mom

Cute Little Personality

Dear Ash,

You already have so much personality.

Things you hate: 

Getting your nose cleaned out.
Being put in your car seat (not necessarily being in it, just being put in it).
Being swaddled.
Holding your hands still long enough for me to clip your fingernails.
Getting out of the bath.
Putting on clothes after the bath.
And when you're grumpy, doing anything except walking around to look at everything.



Things you love: 

People smiling at you.
Singing.
Reading books.
Eating.
Putting things in your mouth.
Grabbing things.
Your play mat. And the hanging elephant on your play mat.
Looking at everything. 
Daddy.

Love,
Mom

Schedule Success

Dear Ash,

I think we're finally getting a pretty good schedule down for you.

We start in the morning around 8:30. That's when you wake up for the day. We change your diaper and, depending on when you woke up during the night, we feed you. We sing some songs and read some books and just play together for a while.

After you get tired of that, we move into the living room, where you play on your play mat while mommy does dishes and laundry. You love your play mat. Your favorite thing about it is the mirror. You love to sit and talk to yourself. You also love the hanging elephant. You always try to get it in your mouth. It's fun to watch you play.

After that, mommy gets your bath all ready and we have bath time! You love bath time, but you hate getting out of the bath, because it's so cold. I always have to calm you down before I can even get you dressed. You also hate when mommy cleans out your nose (which, when I have to, I do it right before your bath). After your bath, your little fuzz hair always sticks up and looks adorable. When you're all clean and dressed in a cute outfit for the day, we sit on the bathroom counter (well, I sit you on the bathroom counter and stand while I hold you up) and let you look at yourself in the mirror some more.

We usually have some time after your bath to play more before it's time for your nap. I sit you on my lap and let you practice grabbing some of your toys. You love to try and get things into your mouth. You always will stuff both your fists in your mouth at the same time. It's hilarious. Sometimes we'll sit and watch a couple of minutes of Signing Time. You seem to really like it, but it doesn't ever hold your interest for very long.

About two hours after you woke up, you take a nap. Ever since Sunday, you've napped so well. It's such a nice change. You usually sleep for an hour and a half to two hours. Sometimes you wake up after forty five minutes and start making noises, but if I leave you for a few minutes, you go back to sleep for another forty five minutes.

When you wake up again, we do basically the same thing, minus the bath. I feed you, change your diaper, and then we play. Two hours you go back down. I usually feed you again right before you go down, even though it has only been two hours. If I don't, you wake up from your nap early hungry.

Then you wake up and we repeat. About the time you wake up, Daddy gets home from work and he gets to play with you for a little bit. It's so cute the way you light up when you see him. You already love your Daddy so much. Then we make dinner while Daddy works out with Spencer. Around six or six thirty, you go down for a catnap. You usually only sleep for about forty five minutes, but I wake you up after an hour if you are still asleep.

When you wake up, I feed you and change your diaper. Then we get to do our calcium. You love your calcium, but it's a little tart and you make the cutest faces while I give it to you. Then we change into a sleeper and play for awhile. After about an hour, you start getting grumpy. The last hour before you go down for the night is your toughest period still. The only thing that really keeps you happy is walking around. So usually what we do is clean the kitchen together.

A little before nine, we go into your room, make sure your diaper is clean, read a book together and then I swaddle you. You don't really like being swaddled (but, unfortunately, won't sleep without it), so I calm you down and then sing you a song. Then I put you in your crib and you go right to sleep for me. You sleep for about an hour and then wake up. I go in, feed you, change your diaper, and put you right back to sleep. Then I just feed you as you wake up. Your waking patterns during the night are still a little sporadic, but you've gradually been sleeping longer and longer. Two nights ago, you slept eight hours--10:30 to 6:30--for the first time! I was so happy. Last night wasn't quite as good, but we'll just keep working on it.

And then the next morning, we do it all over again.

I was a little worried before becoming a mother that it would be too hard or boring. I guess there are times I get a little bored, but I'm not overwhelmed by monotony or anything. Maybe I keep busy enough or maybe you're just a really entertaining baby.

The truth is, though, that I love this. I love staying home with you and watching you grow. I love that you smile every time I look your way and I love the way we play together. I love taking care of you. I love keeping the house clean and organized. I love making all the bread and dinners and breakfasts and snacks and on and on. I love that I'm getting better at cooking and baking. I love that I have time to work on my own stuff, to write and work on starting a little side business to complement Benjamin's. I love having little craft projects--currently I'm working on Benjamin's birthday present--and being able to do some of the things I've found on Pinterest that I want to try. A lot of books and people talk about finding the thing you are good at, something you are really passionate about and making that your full time job. I feel that I've done that. This is what I've always wanted to do and I think I'm really good at it. I know that some women are career women and really love being in the corporate world and being in the workforce. I think that's awesome. For me, though, I cannot imagine that.

I have the life I have always wanted. Here, at home, with you.

Love,
Mom

God made girls for more than wearing pretty skirts.

Dear Ash,

Have you heard this country song?

God Made Girls

It's kind of a cute little song. I wasn't sure I liked it the first time I listened to it. It did get me thinking, though, about why God did make girls. He made us for more than just wearing pretty skirts and flirting. It's not that I don't enjoy doing either of those or that there's anything wrong with that. I just think God had something greater in mind when he created women. I hope I can teach you that. I hope I can show to you as you grow up how wonderful and important being a woman is.

I hope I can teach you that being a girl doesn't mean you are silly and weak and incapable. Instead, it means you strong and can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

Being a woman isn't all about trying to make sure you are equal to men and that everything is fair. Being a woman is reaching out to others in love and complementing the men--especially your husband-in your life.

Real women don't need to act tough, uncaring, and independent. Real women are tough, but they're also compassionate and sometimes emotional, they're interdependent and confident in who they are.

You see, God didn't make women to be exactly like men. He didn't make us to serve our own purposes. I believe that God has a great work for us to do, different from men in some ways, similar in others.

God made girls to be empathetic, strong, and kind.

God made girls to "comfort the weary and strengthen the weak."

He made girls so they could learn and grow, so that later they could teach and lift others.

God made girls to help "build up His kingdom."

God made girls to "do whatsoever is gentle and human" and to "build and to bless."

He made girls to support and encourage their husbands, and to be supported and encouraged by their husbands.

God made girls to be mothers, to raise children who are kind, have a relationship with God, and know who they are. These children can then go into the world and teach others (including their own children) these same things.

God made girls to be His hands, His ministering angles, here on earth. I want to be that for you. I know I am not a perfect mother, but I love you so much. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength and love that I need in order to be the best for you.

I hope you can feel how loved you are, not just by the people who surround you here on earth, but by your Heavenly Father. I can feel His great love for you and it makes me love you even more.

I love you. And as your mother, I will help you on your journey to becoming a great woman, one who is able to fulfill all of God's purposes, if you will let me.

Love,
Mom

We Hate Naptime

Dear Ash,

I think I hate nap time more than you do.

I don't really know what to do with you and sleep.

I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I either put you down too soon or too late. Or maybe not, I can't tell. Because the only sign you give me of being tired is getting fussy. You don't rub your eyes or pull your ears, your eyes don't glaze over. You love exploring, so you just keep right on doing that until you start getting cranky, and by then, it's too late. It's already hard to put you to sleep. So I try to catch you before that happens, but then I worry you're not tired yet, because you cry and cry and won't go to sleep still.

Maybe you just don't like sleeping.

Usually, though, you honestly are pretty good about putting yourself to sleep. Sometimes you'll cry, but usually after only a few minutes, you fall asleep. In the mornings, anyways. The problem is, you still won't stay asleep. After your first morning nap (which is two to three hours long), the longest nap you take is an hour, with most of them being forty five minutes, on the dot.

That would be fine, if you woke up happy and refreshed. Only, you don't. I know it's not a long enough nap for you, because you are still tired and grouch. You yawn and fuss, with intervals of being happy (or at least, being distracted).

As the day goes on, you get crankier and crankier. It gets harder and harder to put you to sleep (probably because you are overtired) and you cry a lot more. By the time nine or ten rolls around (the time mommy is now wanting to go to sleep, thank you child who wakes me up in the middle of the night every night), you are impossible. You are too tired to do anything, even eat, much less sleep.

I've tried everything. I've tried putting you down later. I've tried putting you down earlier. I've tried leaving you in there to see if you will go back to sleep (which ends with you getting mad and then staying mad the rest of the day, we no longer do that), or going in at certain intervals and giving you the pacifier again (this quiets you for five to ten minutes, but you never actually go back to sleep). We've tried putting you to sleep in the car seat and the baby swing and holding you. I don't know what else to do.

Trying to do a schedule with you is impossible. I swear, it is. I know you're still little, but some people say you can get a baby this little on a schedule. Maybe some babies are scheduleable, but I don't think you are. I think you might be a free spirit. Or you just understand the concept of a schedule yet.

I'm just waiting until your about three months (so close now) and I feel that you are old enough to really be put on a schedule. Three naps a day, one long stretch at night. Of course, I'll continue to wake up to feed you for as long as you need it, but I'm hoping when I can start implementing a more rigid nap schedule (or at least, more consistent, even if it's a little flexible), that will help you sleep at night.

I sure love you, baby. I hate seeing you struggle so much, I wish I could help you sleep. I know if you would just take longer naps, you'd be happier. And honestly, daddy and I would be a lot happier too. We'll just keep working on it.

Love,
Mom