Dear Ash,
I think life gets better the older you get.
You woke up at 6:00 this morning. By the time I finished feeding you, went to the bathroom, and pumped the extra milk, it was 7:00 and I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back to bed. I was feeling too lazy to really do anything, though, so I just got on my computer. I was scrolling through Facebook and just kept scrolling, getting all the way back to the beginning.
It got me feeling really nostalgic, seeing all my old posts and photos, remembering the relationships I had with people and the fun times. I was really blessed growing up. I had so many people--friends and family--who loved and protected me. I had a pretty fun social life, even though I wasn't the most "popular" kid at school. I just had my group of friends and all the dates I went on helped me meet new people and form fun friendships with them. Each phase of my life was bookmarked by my current "crush" and that was fun to remember too. There were temple nights and drive-home-from-school's with Jon. There were lazy days spent with Jeremy and crazy sluff days with Katelyn. There were lots of laughs and tons of inside jokes. I was very happy--and had every reason to be--when I was younger.
As fun as it all was, though, I would never go back. There were a lot of ups and downs, the normal kind that come with growing up and being a teenager. There are always hard parts of life, in every phase of life. There were things about middle school that were really difficult. There were parts of high school that I hated. There are times, as a young single adult trying to get through college, when it felt like the world was ending. And during all of those phases of life, there were on-top-of-the-world, this-is-the-best-day-of-my-life, I-never-want-this-phase-end moments.
Those phases are now done. I have a lot of good memories to look back on and I can still remember how hard it was sometimes. Now that I'm a little older, though, I keep remembering something that my EFY director told us one year:
He said, essentially, that he were to pick his top ten best moments--the best moments of his entire life--they would have all happened after he was our age. I loved that. You hear all the time, "High school was the best time of my life," or "My college years were the best years of my life!" That's a little depressing, if you think about it. For me, high school wasn't that great. I made some wonderful memories along the way, but I wasn't really sad to leave it behind and I wouldn't ever want to go back. So sitting in that chapel, hearing him tell me that the best was yet to come really gave me hope.
So I want to tell you, wherever you are in your journey when you read this: life just gets better. Enjoy where you are now, but know that the bad parts of life, the hard things, don't last. Just wait. There are moments ahead that will make it all worth it.
Moments like,
Holding your daughter in your arms for the first time.
Sitting in the celestial room, holding hands with the one you love on your wedding day.
Taking your last test in school and knowing you accomplished something.
Seeing your husband play with your baby and your baby give him a huge grin back.
These moments are all yet to come for you, or at least, moments like them. I look around at my life right now and see the good and the bad. It's hard, taking care of an infant while Ben is working full time, going to school, and getting his business going. This is a very busy, tiring stage of life for us. And yet, I can honestly say, I've never been happier. It's a more stable, grown up happy. And I know, Ben and I are just starting out. There are a lot more of those moments ahead for us as well.
Really, the best is yet to come.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
Our Christmas
Dear Ash,
There are a couple of special experiences we had this Christmas that I wanted to share with you.
While we were there visiting her, we took a five generation picture--you, your dad, your grandpa, your great grandpa, and your great great grandma. It is pretty neat that we could do that.
There are a couple of special experiences we had this Christmas that I wanted to share with you.
On Christmas Eve, we were in Vernal with your daddy's family. Your great great grandma is 104 and in a nursing home in Vernal. They have a tradition of visiting her each Christmas Eve to sing Christmas songs to her. It's a really sweet tradition.
While we were there visiting her, we took a five generation picture--you, your dad, your grandpa, your great grandpa, and your great great grandma. It is pretty neat that we could do that.
The last song we sang while we were there was Silent Night. For some reason, standing in that room and singing such a soft, beautiful song, I chocked up. I felt the Spirit so strongly. The love was almost tangible in the room. When your daddy and I were dating, I always worried because he wanted to live in Vernal. At the time, I didn't think there was any way I could live that far from my family. What I didn't understand is, when you get married, you marry into a new family. It would still be hard to live very far from West Jordan, but now it's hard to live away from our family in Vernal as well.
Christmas morning, after we opened presents with the Anderson's, we drove to West Jordan for the Troff family party. It was snowing like crazy, which is great for Christmas but horrible for driving. It took us an hour longer than normal and some parts were stressful. You slept the entire way, though, and it was so beautiful. Your daddy and I loved the snow on the pine trees and the white sky. It looked like Christmas. We had a lot of fun talking and laughing during the drive.
Before we opened presents at my grandparent's house, my grandpa shared some things about my great grandma (your other great great grandma) Opal. Her mother and grandmother were members, but no one else in her family or town were and when she married, she married a Lutheran. She taught her boys the gospel, but my grandpa was the only one of them to accept it. She was so dedicated to the church, though, and now I think of our family and the blessings the gospel has brought us, all because of that line of faithful women. It was a very special moment for me, listening to my grandpa talk.
We were very spoiled this Christmas. We have a lot of people who love us--and we love them. It was a great first Christmas for you, I think.
Merry Christmas!
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
My Growing Baby
Dear Ash,
People always say, "Wow, she's so small!"
But then I look at you and think, Man, she's getting big!
Two months. You are already two months old. Was it really that long ago that you were born? You're about ten pounds now, and 22 inches long. You're pretty low in the percentiles for your age, but to me, you've just grown and grown. You are growing really healthily, though, and you still eat all the time. I don't mind though. When I miss a feeding, because someone is watching you, I actually miss getting the chance to feed you. There's something special about those moments.
I was looking through Facebook pictures of you today. You were so, so small when we brought you home. I can't believe how fast you're growing. It makes me want to cry.
You grin all the time now, I can't get over how cute that is.
You still love being on the floor where you can kick your legs and move your arms without anything getting in the way, but you're starting to like sitting up and walking around. I think that's because your vision is improving. And let me tell you, you love to look around at everything.
You're getting better at tummy time--pretty soon here I think you're going to roll over--but you still hate it. It doesn't take long before you start crying like you're gonna die unless I roll back onto your back.
You love your baths now. You grin and grin at me while you're in the water. Sometimes you'll be fussy, but then I'll set you on the floor in the bathroom and turn on the bath water and instantly, you're happy again. Of course, you hate getting out. I think it's too cold for you, poor baby. We try to get it as warm as possible, but it's hard. And you get really mad.
You're also starting to sleep longer at night. This is a really good thing for mommy. Usually I'll put you down between 8:00 and 8:30. I'll "dreamfeed" you at 10:00, unless you wake up (which, by the way, you usually do). Then you'll sleep until about 3:00 or 3:30. One day, you slept past 4:00! Then you'll sleep again until between 6:30 and 7:30. Of course, this week's been rough, because we've been in Vernal. It's been hard on you. Every night, you sleep worse than the night before. I can't wait till we get home and you sleep well again. I'm sure you feel the same.
Today is Christmas Eve. You're too little to be excited for tomorrow morning, but it won't be long until you understand the magic that comes with Christmas. I hope I can help you understand just how truly special this holiday is, and how special the reason for this holiday is. I know that we'll have lots of fun together in the years to come, doing all our Christmas traditions.
People always say, "Wow, she's so small!"
But then I look at you and think, Man, she's getting big!
Two months. You are already two months old. Was it really that long ago that you were born? You're about ten pounds now, and 22 inches long. You're pretty low in the percentiles for your age, but to me, you've just grown and grown. You are growing really healthily, though, and you still eat all the time. I don't mind though. When I miss a feeding, because someone is watching you, I actually miss getting the chance to feed you. There's something special about those moments.
I was looking through Facebook pictures of you today. You were so, so small when we brought you home. I can't believe how fast you're growing. It makes me want to cry.
You grin all the time now, I can't get over how cute that is.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, December 13, 2014
A Christmas Feeling
Dear Ash,
Our house is very peaceful right now.
The sky is overcast, we have candles lit, and Christmas music is playing.
Our little apartment is clean and warm.
You are in your room, sleeping like a good little baby and Daddy and I are sitting together, working on our projects.
Days like today remind me how truly grateful I am for my little family.
Also, you are a beautiful baby. So beautiful
Our house is very peaceful right now.
The sky is overcast, we have candles lit, and Christmas music is playing.
Our little apartment is clean and warm.
You are in your room, sleeping like a good little baby and Daddy and I are sitting together, working on our projects.
Days like today remind me how truly grateful I am for my little family.
Also, you are a beautiful baby. So beautiful
Love,
Mom
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Sometimes Babies Just Cry
Dear Ash,
I have never really been around babies for any real length of time. When we first brought you home from the hospital, you hardly ever cried. You slept all the time and there was almost always someone holding you. Then the waterworks started coming more often and with more force. I worried I was doing something wrong, being a bad mom. One day, I confided this in Benjamin. He, the oldest of six children, looked at me and said,
"Charly, sometimes babies just cry."
And I know that. I know that babies cry. Sometimes, babies just cry. That's what I keep telling myself, as I try and try to find ways to soothe and help you. Ben and I tell each other, "It's her tummy, she must have air bubbles," or "maybe she's sick," or "She's so tired, she doesn't know what to do." In reality, we have no idea. We think we know what's wrong with you, but we really and truly can't know what it is that's making you cry.
Sometimes babies just cry.
It can be rough, when it's 1:00 in the morning and all I want to do is lie down next to my husband and go to sleep, but can't because you're awake and really mad. I just wrap you up and try to give you your pacifier and snuggle you to sleep in the rocking chair. What are you mad at? I have no idea.
Sometimes babies just cry.
There are times you put yourself to sleep wonderfully and then other times, you scream cry until I get you out of your crib, because I have now learned the cry that means, I'm not going to calm down, I'm just going to work myself up so much that I'll never fall asleep. And that's when we resort to putting you in the swing, even though doing so makes me so worried that I'm ruining your sleep habits for the rest of your life. But, you know.
Sometimes babies just cry.
This morning, we're blessing you and I'm worried you aren't going to be happy about it. I'm a little worried you're going to be one of those babies who screams during their entire blessing. But I have to remind myself that it's okay.
Sometimes babies just cry. And even when you cry, we love you more than anything.
Love,
Mom
Monday, December 1, 2014
The Life of a Mom
Dear Ash,
The life of a mom can be rough sometimes.
It's already past noon and I haven't gotten anything done.
I haven't showered. I've drank less than 8 ounces of water and I know I haven't eaten enough food (my body is definitely telling me that). I have exactly one load of wet clothes in the washing machine (which is a miracle) and the house is still a disaster. I haven't worked on homework and I haven't worked on Christmas presents.
Let's just say, my to-do list for the day is looking very full.
And what am I doing now? Rocking you with my foot so you'll stay asleep longer than twenty minutes.
I guess, when you have an infant, that's just how life goes sometimes. And everyone knows it's worth. After all, I get to see this cuteness everyday.
The life of a mom can be rough sometimes.
It's already past noon and I haven't gotten anything done.
I haven't showered. I've drank less than 8 ounces of water and I know I haven't eaten enough food (my body is definitely telling me that). I have exactly one load of wet clothes in the washing machine (which is a miracle) and the house is still a disaster. I haven't worked on homework and I haven't worked on Christmas presents.
Let's just say, my to-do list for the day is looking very full.
And what am I doing now? Rocking you with my foot so you'll stay asleep longer than twenty minutes.
I guess, when you have an infant, that's just how life goes sometimes. And everyone knows it's worth. After all, I get to see this cuteness everyday.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Baby Sleep Problems
Dear Ash,
You are such a great sleeper, when you actually sleep. You'll put yourself to sleep, often without crying even a little. We just wrap you up in your swaddle, lay in you your crib, and you are perfectly content. Even when you do cry, it's hardly any for maybe two minutes, at the most.
The problem then becomes getting you to stay asleep. From about two in the afternoon to eleven at time/one in the morning, you wake yourself up screaming 15 to 45 minutes into your nap. Sometimes I can get you to sleep an hour, if I put you in your carseat and rock you when you start to make noises.
The rest of the time, you are so content and happy. You sleep great and are a fantastic eater. You'll wake up, eat, then smile and play for an hour or so. Then you'll sleep for two hours, really well. Sometimes, I'll even go in to get you after your two hours are up and you'll be sleepy but awake, but not even crying. You just are sitting in your crib, totally content to just look around. I wish you could always be that happy baby.
Daddy and I think it's your stomach. During those same hard times, you'll have trouble eating--you'll break off and cry in the middle of eating, whether you're breastfeeding or eating from a bottle. A lot of times, when you're screaming inconsolably, if we can get you to burp or when you pass gas, you'll feel better and stop crying. Your diapers are quite the diapers during these times too. When you cry, you'll pull your legs in to your belly and squirm around. We're trying a lot of things--having you sleep sitting up to see if gravity will help, burping you as often and as good as we can, etc. So far, nothing we've tried really helps.
I hope you get over this soon. I've read most babies stop having problems like this around three or four months. I guess some babies do this all the way until six or seven months. I hope you don't. I don't know if Daddy and I can survive that long on this little sleep. It's a little rough sometimes, especially with everything we're trying to do right now.
You are such a great sleeper, when you actually sleep. You'll put yourself to sleep, often without crying even a little. We just wrap you up in your swaddle, lay in you your crib, and you are perfectly content. Even when you do cry, it's hardly any for maybe two minutes, at the most.
The problem then becomes getting you to stay asleep. From about two in the afternoon to eleven at time/one in the morning, you wake yourself up screaming 15 to 45 minutes into your nap. Sometimes I can get you to sleep an hour, if I put you in your carseat and rock you when you start to make noises.
The rest of the time, you are so content and happy. You sleep great and are a fantastic eater. You'll wake up, eat, then smile and play for an hour or so. Then you'll sleep for two hours, really well. Sometimes, I'll even go in to get you after your two hours are up and you'll be sleepy but awake, but not even crying. You just are sitting in your crib, totally content to just look around. I wish you could always be that happy baby.
Daddy and I think it's your stomach. During those same hard times, you'll have trouble eating--you'll break off and cry in the middle of eating, whether you're breastfeeding or eating from a bottle. A lot of times, when you're screaming inconsolably, if we can get you to burp or when you pass gas, you'll feel better and stop crying. Your diapers are quite the diapers during these times too. When you cry, you'll pull your legs in to your belly and squirm around. We're trying a lot of things--having you sleep sitting up to see if gravity will help, burping you as often and as good as we can, etc. So far, nothing we've tried really helps.
I hope you get over this soon. I've read most babies stop having problems like this around three or four months. I guess some babies do this all the way until six or seven months. I hope you don't. I don't know if Daddy and I can survive that long on this little sleep. It's a little rough sometimes, especially with everything we're trying to do right now.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Being Your Mom
Dear Ash,
Taking care of you is a full time job.
I'm discovering that I now have a few windows of an hour or two in which to complete my daily to-do list. And that it's really hard to get places on time with a newborn. It's impossible to schedule you, my schedule just works around your feeding and sleeping needs now.
Now, I'm not complaining. I love being your mom still. I do have to admit, though, that being a mother is hard. Really hard, sometimes. Lack of sleep is a large contributor to that fact. Your thankfully brief and few bouts of inconsolable crying might also factor in there somewhere. And just, the whole, being alone with you, constantly going through the feed you, burp you, change you, try to get you to sleep, and repeat cycle.
It's so hard sometimes.
But then there are the times when I'm holding you and you're smiling up at me, or your chubby cheeks are all squished up while you're sleeping, or you stretch your little neck and arms out and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Those are the moments I can't stop staring.
Those are the moments I cry to think, you are my little baby.
Those are the moments I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing of being a mom.
Being your mom.
Love,
Mom
Taking care of you is a full time job.
I'm discovering that I now have a few windows of an hour or two in which to complete my daily to-do list. And that it's really hard to get places on time with a newborn. It's impossible to schedule you, my schedule just works around your feeding and sleeping needs now.
Now, I'm not complaining. I love being your mom still. I do have to admit, though, that being a mother is hard. Really hard, sometimes. Lack of sleep is a large contributor to that fact. Your thankfully brief and few bouts of inconsolable crying might also factor in there somewhere. And just, the whole, being alone with you, constantly going through the feed you, burp you, change you, try to get you to sleep, and repeat cycle.
It's so hard sometimes.
But then there are the times when I'm holding you and you're smiling up at me, or your chubby cheeks are all squished up while you're sleeping, or you stretch your little neck and arms out and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Those are the moments I can't stop staring.
Those are the moments I cry to think, you are my little baby.
Those are the moments I thank my Heavenly Father for the blessing of being a mom.
Being your mom.
Love,
Mom
Snuggle Moments
Dear Ash,
Normally you're a really good sleeper.
Some days, though, you won't stay asleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. I don't know why; maybe you're too cold or maybe you're tummy hurts you.
Whatever the reason, when this happens, we get to snuggle on the couch together.
And I get to stare at my precious, beautiful baby.
Love,
Mom
Normally you're a really good sleeper.
Some days, though, you won't stay asleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. I don't know why; maybe you're too cold or maybe you're tummy hurts you.
Whatever the reason, when this happens, we get to snuggle on the couch together.
And I get to stare at my precious, beautiful baby.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
A Different Life
Dear Ash,
Life is totally different with you here.
Of course, I already knew that would happen. Everybody says it will happen. It's an obvious fact. But knowing something like this with your head is WAY different than knowing it through experience.
I now plan everything I do and everywhere I go around your feeding schedule. Because planning your feeding schedule around my life just doesn't work.
We also now try to plan everything around your sleeping schedule. These two are harder, simply because you're young enough that your sleeping and feeding "schedules" don't really follow a set schedule.
Grocery shopping, visiting teaching, school, homework, even making dinner are all a little trickier now than before.
I am finding that I am running late a lot more often with you around. That's because waking up (which can be hard when you don't sleep, meaning I don't sleep), getting breakfast, getting Benjamin breakfast, feeding you, showering, getting ready, getting you ready, feeding you again, packing your diaper bag with everything you might possibly need in the next few hours, and calming you down after we put you in your carseat makes 9:00 church seem a few hours earlier than it really is.
Date night has become trickier. Before you were born, pretty much any day could be date night. We literally did whatever we wanted. Now, we if we want to go out, we have to find someone to watch you and I have to pump beforehand. That, or take you with us and hope you sleep. If we want to eat out, one of us goes to get food while the other stays home with you. When we want to watch a show together, we wait until you are fed and changed and sound asleep. Which means sometimes, we just don't watch something together.
Yes, it definitely is different. Sometimes I find myself missing the time I had before (especially the time with Benjamin). And then I feel guilty for missing it, because I do not wish you weren't here. But things are harder now.
One thing I keep thinking about is this time last year. I was in school at BYU, working part time, Ben was doing the same. We were busy and happy, but I ached for a baby. I ached for you. I knew that I wanted to be a mother and I didn't want to wait. It was my greatest desire, but for many reasons, we did wait. At least, for as long as I could stand it.
Love,
Mom
Life is totally different with you here.
Of course, I already knew that would happen. Everybody says it will happen. It's an obvious fact. But knowing something like this with your head is WAY different than knowing it through experience.
I now plan everything I do and everywhere I go around your feeding schedule. Because planning your feeding schedule around my life just doesn't work.
We also now try to plan everything around your sleeping schedule. These two are harder, simply because you're young enough that your sleeping and feeding "schedules" don't really follow a set schedule.
Grocery shopping, visiting teaching, school, homework, even making dinner are all a little trickier now than before.
I am finding that I am running late a lot more often with you around. That's because waking up (which can be hard when you don't sleep, meaning I don't sleep), getting breakfast, getting Benjamin breakfast, feeding you, showering, getting ready, getting you ready, feeding you again, packing your diaper bag with everything you might possibly need in the next few hours, and calming you down after we put you in your carseat makes 9:00 church seem a few hours earlier than it really is.
Date night has become trickier. Before you were born, pretty much any day could be date night. We literally did whatever we wanted. Now, we if we want to go out, we have to find someone to watch you and I have to pump beforehand. That, or take you with us and hope you sleep. If we want to eat out, one of us goes to get food while the other stays home with you. When we want to watch a show together, we wait until you are fed and changed and sound asleep. Which means sometimes, we just don't watch something together.
Yes, it definitely is different. Sometimes I find myself missing the time I had before (especially the time with Benjamin). And then I feel guilty for missing it, because I do not wish you weren't here. But things are harder now.
One thing I keep thinking about is this time last year. I was in school at BYU, working part time, Ben was doing the same. We were busy and happy, but I ached for a baby. I ached for you. I knew that I wanted to be a mother and I didn't want to wait. It was my greatest desire, but for many reasons, we did wait. At least, for as long as I could stand it.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Tummy Time!
You are starting to actually enjoy tummy time.
This is you, smiling and having fun on your tummy for the first time.
You tend to root around with your cheek touching the ground.
It's adorable.
You are so good at lifting your head already.
Your neck is so strong. You got your daddy's muscles.
This is what you normally look like during tummy time. Haha.
You started off parallel to the edge of the mat.
Then you scooted all the way around like this.
I don't know what face you're making here.
It looks like you don't really know what to think.
Sometimes you go cross eyed.
Your eyes are so pretty.
This is you, mid-sneeze.
Cutie pie.
So this isn't tummy time, but it's adorable.
This is you, sleeping while I held you during institute.
We love institute, huh, baby?
And this is you being adorable in your co-sleeper.
When we don't wrap you up, you sleep like an Egyptian.
No doubt about it. You win the cutest contest.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A Future Book Addict
Dear Ash,
You're probably going to be a reader.
I only say that because both your parents are book addicts. In our budget, we give ourselves $50 a month to spend on whatever we want. Do you know what we usually spend that on?
Yep. Books.
One of our favorite dates is to go to Barnes and Noble and each pick out a book to take home with us. Or just go to Barnes and Noble to browse and not actually buy anything (though that is decidedly less fun).
Right now, we both have Kindles and they are basically our favorite thing. Because we share an Amazon account, every book one of us buys, the other gets to read as well. It's fun. This month, Ben is buying Think and Grow Rich and I'm going to buy Brandon Sanderson's new novella. And we'll both read both.
It's okay if you don't share that passion with us. I know some people just aren't huge readers. I do hope you'll give it a chance, though. I think everyone can be a reader, they just need to find the type of book they enjoy. That doesn't mean that everyone has to list reading as their favorite pass time, but I do think everyone could enjoy it at least sometimes.
And, because I love reading, I'll do everything in my power to make sure you have the opportunity to learn to love reading as well.
Love,
Mom
You're probably going to be a reader.
I only say that because both your parents are book addicts. In our budget, we give ourselves $50 a month to spend on whatever we want. Do you know what we usually spend that on?
Yep. Books.
One of our favorite dates is to go to Barnes and Noble and each pick out a book to take home with us. Or just go to Barnes and Noble to browse and not actually buy anything (though that is decidedly less fun).
Right now, we both have Kindles and they are basically our favorite thing. Because we share an Amazon account, every book one of us buys, the other gets to read as well. It's fun. This month, Ben is buying Think and Grow Rich and I'm going to buy Brandon Sanderson's new novella. And we'll both read both.
It's okay if you don't share that passion with us. I know some people just aren't huge readers. I do hope you'll give it a chance, though. I think everyone can be a reader, they just need to find the type of book they enjoy. That doesn't mean that everyone has to list reading as their favorite pass time, but I do think everyone could enjoy it at least sometimes.
And, because I love reading, I'll do everything in my power to make sure you have the opportunity to learn to love reading as well.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Lessons of a New Mother
Dear Ash,
You eat so much, I can hardly keep up with you.
You're not even two weeks old and you already weigh 8 pounds 5 ounces. That's almost a whole pound more than when you were born. What a good little grower we have!
We've started training you to actually sleep in your co-sleeper. Last night, we moved it back into our bedroom. Benjamin woke up a few more times, but not taking you out into the living room cut off half an hour to hour of time trying to get you back to sleep each time I fed you. It was really nice.
I was reading a blog yesterday and the lady said, "Isn't it funny how something that sleeps 18 to 22 hours a day can be so exhausting to take care of?" How true. Taking care of you certainly is a full time job and I've had to learn a lot.
I've had to learn that little, soft pats on the back aren't going to get any burps out of you. I've got to pat a lot harder than I thought.
I've had to learn to wait ten or fifteen minutes before changing you. Otherwise, you might decide you aren't done and then we definitely won't be able to afford all your diapers.
I've had to learn to let you fuss a little, because usually you'll put yourself back to sleep within a couple minutes if I don't pick you up.
I've had to learn that sometimes you can go four hours without eating and other times, you need to eat every hour.
I've had to learn that it's okay to set you down to get myself food or go to the bathroom, even if you get a little grumpy when I do.
I've had to learn to have your clean diaper ready before I take your dirty one off. If I'm not fast enough, every other diaper change you would make a little puddle on the changing pad and then we'd have to change all your clothes. And you hate that.
What I haven't had to learn is how to love you. I love being your mother, I love doing all those little mom things--changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep. Even the middle of the night feedings are somehow magical, because you are just precious. I am excited for when I can sleep for longer than three hours in a row again and it'll be really nice when you start getting better at soothing yourself, but I still can't wish for those times to come faster.
You are too precious to wish even a minute of my time with you away.
Love,
Mom
You eat so much, I can hardly keep up with you.
You're not even two weeks old and you already weigh 8 pounds 5 ounces. That's almost a whole pound more than when you were born. What a good little grower we have!
We've started training you to actually sleep in your co-sleeper. Last night, we moved it back into our bedroom. Benjamin woke up a few more times, but not taking you out into the living room cut off half an hour to hour of time trying to get you back to sleep each time I fed you. It was really nice.
I was reading a blog yesterday and the lady said, "Isn't it funny how something that sleeps 18 to 22 hours a day can be so exhausting to take care of?" How true. Taking care of you certainly is a full time job and I've had to learn a lot.
I've had to learn that little, soft pats on the back aren't going to get any burps out of you. I've got to pat a lot harder than I thought.
I've had to learn to wait ten or fifteen minutes before changing you. Otherwise, you might decide you aren't done and then we definitely won't be able to afford all your diapers.
I've had to learn to let you fuss a little, because usually you'll put yourself back to sleep within a couple minutes if I don't pick you up.
I've had to learn that sometimes you can go four hours without eating and other times, you need to eat every hour.
I've had to learn that it's okay to set you down to get myself food or go to the bathroom, even if you get a little grumpy when I do.
I've had to learn to have your clean diaper ready before I take your dirty one off. If I'm not fast enough, every other diaper change you would make a little puddle on the changing pad and then we'd have to change all your clothes. And you hate that.
What I haven't had to learn is how to love you. I love being your mother, I love doing all those little mom things--changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep. Even the middle of the night feedings are somehow magical, because you are just precious. I am excited for when I can sleep for longer than three hours in a row again and it'll be really nice when you start getting better at soothing yourself, but I still can't wish for those times to come faster.
You are too precious to wish even a minute of my time with you away.
Love,
Mom
Monday, October 27, 2014
Quiet Moments
Dear Ash,
Today is the first time I'm alone with you all day.
We've had SO many people coming to help, even with Ben gone, I haven't had to take care of you by myself yet. I have loved all the help, but it is nice to have quiet moments just me and you.
You are being just precious this morning. I'm sitting here, holding you while you snooze, totally in love with you. I know I should put you in your co-sleeper and take a nap while I have the chance, but you're just so precious I can hardly stand it.
Last night I got quite a bit of sleep. You did not want to go to bed, but your daddy took you and let me sleep for a few hours, even though he had to get up early for work this morning. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you and your daddy. He is the best father and the best husband.
I sure am blessed.
Love,
Mom
Today is the first time I'm alone with you all day.
We've had SO many people coming to help, even with Ben gone, I haven't had to take care of you by myself yet. I have loved all the help, but it is nice to have quiet moments just me and you.
You are being just precious this morning. I'm sitting here, holding you while you snooze, totally in love with you. I know I should put you in your co-sleeper and take a nap while I have the chance, but you're just so precious I can hardly stand it.
Last night I got quite a bit of sleep. You did not want to go to bed, but your daddy took you and let me sleep for a few hours, even though he had to get up early for work this morning. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you and your daddy. He is the best father and the best husband.
I sure am blessed.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Thank You, Dryer
Dear Ash,
We put you to sleep with the dryer last night. You were crying and crying, and the dryer was running. I walked into the laundry room and the effect was almost instant--you stopped crying and your eyes started drooping. It put you right to sleep.
I think all new parents agree, anything you can do get your baby to sleep, you do it.
That's why most of the time, you don't even sleep in your co-sleeper. I put you in your carseat at night, because you like it better and sleep for longer in it. I still let you nap in your co-sleeper though.
We also give you a bath right before bed. You still don't like baths, you scream and scream while you're wet. As soon as I get you out, though, you are the calmest, cutest thing there ever was. You love to feel clean, I think you just don't like having your clothes off. The screaming wears you out for bed though.
You are just the cutest thing, even when you're crying. I love how your little cheeks look when you're sleeping, all squished up. And the faces you make. And your yawns.
Basically, everything you do is adorable and you can't do anything to help it.
Love,
Mom
We put you to sleep with the dryer last night. You were crying and crying, and the dryer was running. I walked into the laundry room and the effect was almost instant--you stopped crying and your eyes started drooping. It put you right to sleep.
I think all new parents agree, anything you can do get your baby to sleep, you do it.
That's why most of the time, you don't even sleep in your co-sleeper. I put you in your carseat at night, because you like it better and sleep for longer in it. I still let you nap in your co-sleeper though.
We also give you a bath right before bed. You still don't like baths, you scream and scream while you're wet. As soon as I get you out, though, you are the calmest, cutest thing there ever was. You love to feel clean, I think you just don't like having your clothes off. The screaming wears you out for bed though.
You are just the cutest thing, even when you're crying. I love how your little cheeks look when you're sleeping, all squished up. And the faces you make. And your yawns.
Basically, everything you do is adorable and you can't do anything to help it.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, October 23, 2014
One Boy, One Girl
Dear Ash,
We just adore you.
Your dad sent me this link today, while he was gone at work. It might be the post-pregnancy hormones, but it choked me up.
One Boy, One Girl
He had heard it before, but he said it was different to him now that he's your dad. I love that he loves you so much. He's so good with you, it tugs at my heartstrings.
I remember when he and I were dating. This, being with him, having you, that was all I wanted. I ached for it. Now my dream has come true and it's hard to believe how blessed I am to have my little family.
Sometimes I just look at you and think, how can this perfect little thing be mine?
We love you more than you know.
Love,
Mom
We just adore you.
Your dad sent me this link today, while he was gone at work. It might be the post-pregnancy hormones, but it choked me up.
One Boy, One Girl
He had heard it before, but he said it was different to him now that he's your dad. I love that he loves you so much. He's so good with you, it tugs at my heartstrings.
I remember when he and I were dating. This, being with him, having you, that was all I wanted. I ached for it. Now my dream has come true and it's hard to believe how blessed I am to have my little family.
Sometimes I just look at you and think, how can this perfect little thing be mine?
We love you more than you know.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Dear Ash,
Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
But it was one hundred percent worth it.
I woke up yesterday morning at 1:00, feeling what I thought was a cramp. I tried my best to get it to go away, then gave up and went back to bed. The feeling went away, then a couple minutes came back. That's when I wondered if it was a contraction, or a Braxton-Hicks. I decided to get up and take a bath, mostly to decide if it was Braxton-Hicks or not (since a bath is supposed to soothe Braxton-Hicks). The bath relaxed me, but I continued to get contractions about every three minutes and the warm water didn't lessen them.
So I showered and tried to go back to sleep. I snuggled up to Benjamin, but after two contractions, I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep and that lying there wasn't going to work for me. I got up and started to distract myself. I cleaned the house and made popcorn, straightened my hair. I just wanted to keep busy and get some things done I knew I wouldn't want to do when we got home with the baby. I also found an app on my phone that helped me track my contractions. From about 1:00 to 4:30, my contractions were all about thirty seconds long, three minutes apart. They weren't super intense, but they were a little painful. I practiced breathing and relaxing during them and tried calcium and lavender oil to help soothe them.
At about 4:30, my contractions began to get longer, closer to 45, 50 seconds, so I decided it was time to wake up Benjamin. The contractions were also starting to get quite a bit more intense at this point. Two or three contractions after waking up Ben, I felt really sick and threw up. I didn't throw up again after that, but I did feel sick throughout the rest of my labor.
While we waited for the contractions to get to be a minute long, they got more intense. That was about the time I started thinking, can I really do this without an epidural? I would lean into Benjamin, close my eyes, and focus on breathing instead of the pain.
We called the birthing center at 5:30 and they told us to meet us there at 6:00. So we finished packing our bag and I tried to eat some more food before we headed over.
At the birthing center, they checked me and set up my room. I was dilated to a 6 and was 90% effaced. Then the waiting began. They had a doula there for me and she helped me a lot with the pain of the contractions. At first, I would lie back, with my knees bent, and she would push into my knees. That worked really well for a little bit, until the contractions moved to my side and back.
When that happened, I switched positions. They brought in a birthing ball that I was able to lean over. Ben was in front of me, so I would squeeze his hands when a contraction came and the doula would use pressure points on my lower back to help with the pain. In between the contractions, she would rub my back and Ben would help me get a drink of water and nibble on some food (I could only nibble because I was still feeling sick).
That worked well for me for a couple hours. The time is really fuzzy to me, but around 8:00 or 9:00, the contractions were getting really intense, even with the things we were doing to help manage the pain, so I had them check me again. I had dilated to a seven, which was a little discouraging to me. I knew that from seven to ten centimeters (transition) was the hardest part and I was starting to get really tired. I would close my eyes between contractions and try to doze, but the contractions didn't always fully go away.
As the contractions got harder, I really wished I could have medicine to help with the pain. Being able to not have pain anymore and maybe sleep a little until it was time to push sounded like the best thing in the world. Sometime during this time, I asked if the birthing center had something else to help with the pain. They took me to the tub and offered me laughing gas.
The tub didn't help the contractions--they were still REALLY intense--but it really helped me relax and feel better between the contractions. I definitely dozed a little between contractions while in the tub. I was really zoned out, in the moment during the contractions and simply worn out between. Having Benjamin there, calm and offering his hands and encouragement, was the only thing that got through the last little bit. It was so hard.
Finally the time came to push. I was so, so grateful. I kept praying for it just to be over. I still had intense contractions, but once I started pushing, I didn't really notice them. It was great. Except that pushing also hurt, especially my lower back and bottom. I made a lot of sounds just like they make in the movies. Being able to make those sounds really helped.
I pushed and pushed, but you didn't come out very easily. Then your heartbeat spiked up (I didn't know this at the time, but Ben was watching the monitor and told me later) and the midwives decided they needed to move us back to the bedroom--quickly. I stood up and I knew you were coming right then. I told them that and they all came scrambling back, just in time to catch you and plop you into my arms.
You were beautiful. Even then. You let out a little cry and then were just as calm as can be.
They helped get me out of the tub and back to the bed, holding you the whole time. They let me hold you while they cut your cord, helped me push the placenta out, and cleaned and stitched me up. They helped me breastfeed you for the first time and you were a natural. You were so perfect and pink, all your little features so adorable. It was hard for me to connect you, so tiny and perfect, with the contractions and pushing I'd just experienced.
It was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I really wished I was in a hospital near the end, so I could have an epidural. I'm glad now I wasn't, because I really wanted to do it this way for you. Next time, we might end up doing it differently, but I wouldn't change a thing about your birth.
Especially what we got out of it: you.
Love,
Mom
Giving birth to you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
But it was one hundred percent worth it.
I woke up yesterday morning at 1:00, feeling what I thought was a cramp. I tried my best to get it to go away, then gave up and went back to bed. The feeling went away, then a couple minutes came back. That's when I wondered if it was a contraction, or a Braxton-Hicks. I decided to get up and take a bath, mostly to decide if it was Braxton-Hicks or not (since a bath is supposed to soothe Braxton-Hicks). The bath relaxed me, but I continued to get contractions about every three minutes and the warm water didn't lessen them.
So I showered and tried to go back to sleep. I snuggled up to Benjamin, but after two contractions, I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep and that lying there wasn't going to work for me. I got up and started to distract myself. I cleaned the house and made popcorn, straightened my hair. I just wanted to keep busy and get some things done I knew I wouldn't want to do when we got home with the baby. I also found an app on my phone that helped me track my contractions. From about 1:00 to 4:30, my contractions were all about thirty seconds long, three minutes apart. They weren't super intense, but they were a little painful. I practiced breathing and relaxing during them and tried calcium and lavender oil to help soothe them.
At about 4:30, my contractions began to get longer, closer to 45, 50 seconds, so I decided it was time to wake up Benjamin. The contractions were also starting to get quite a bit more intense at this point. Two or three contractions after waking up Ben, I felt really sick and threw up. I didn't throw up again after that, but I did feel sick throughout the rest of my labor.
While we waited for the contractions to get to be a minute long, they got more intense. That was about the time I started thinking, can I really do this without an epidural? I would lean into Benjamin, close my eyes, and focus on breathing instead of the pain.
We called the birthing center at 5:30 and they told us to meet us there at 6:00. So we finished packing our bag and I tried to eat some more food before we headed over.
At the birthing center, they checked me and set up my room. I was dilated to a 6 and was 90% effaced. Then the waiting began. They had a doula there for me and she helped me a lot with the pain of the contractions. At first, I would lie back, with my knees bent, and she would push into my knees. That worked really well for a little bit, until the contractions moved to my side and back.
When that happened, I switched positions. They brought in a birthing ball that I was able to lean over. Ben was in front of me, so I would squeeze his hands when a contraction came and the doula would use pressure points on my lower back to help with the pain. In between the contractions, she would rub my back and Ben would help me get a drink of water and nibble on some food (I could only nibble because I was still feeling sick).
That worked well for me for a couple hours. The time is really fuzzy to me, but around 8:00 or 9:00, the contractions were getting really intense, even with the things we were doing to help manage the pain, so I had them check me again. I had dilated to a seven, which was a little discouraging to me. I knew that from seven to ten centimeters (transition) was the hardest part and I was starting to get really tired. I would close my eyes between contractions and try to doze, but the contractions didn't always fully go away.
As the contractions got harder, I really wished I could have medicine to help with the pain. Being able to not have pain anymore and maybe sleep a little until it was time to push sounded like the best thing in the world. Sometime during this time, I asked if the birthing center had something else to help with the pain. They took me to the tub and offered me laughing gas.
The tub didn't help the contractions--they were still REALLY intense--but it really helped me relax and feel better between the contractions. I definitely dozed a little between contractions while in the tub. I was really zoned out, in the moment during the contractions and simply worn out between. Having Benjamin there, calm and offering his hands and encouragement, was the only thing that got through the last little bit. It was so hard.
Finally the time came to push. I was so, so grateful. I kept praying for it just to be over. I still had intense contractions, but once I started pushing, I didn't really notice them. It was great. Except that pushing also hurt, especially my lower back and bottom. I made a lot of sounds just like they make in the movies. Being able to make those sounds really helped.
I pushed and pushed, but you didn't come out very easily. Then your heartbeat spiked up (I didn't know this at the time, but Ben was watching the monitor and told me later) and the midwives decided they needed to move us back to the bedroom--quickly. I stood up and I knew you were coming right then. I told them that and they all came scrambling back, just in time to catch you and plop you into my arms.
You were beautiful. Even then. You let out a little cry and then were just as calm as can be.
They helped get me out of the tub and back to the bed, holding you the whole time. They let me hold you while they cut your cord, helped me push the placenta out, and cleaned and stitched me up. They helped me breastfeed you for the first time and you were a natural. You were so perfect and pink, all your little features so adorable. It was hard for me to connect you, so tiny and perfect, with the contractions and pushing I'd just experienced.
It was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I really wished I was in a hospital near the end, so I could have an epidural. I'm glad now I wasn't, because I really wanted to do it this way for you. Next time, we might end up doing it differently, but I wouldn't change a thing about your birth.
Especially what we got out of it: you.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, October 16, 2014
You Missed Your Due Date
I think you missed the memo that your due date was yesterday.
Yeah, that was yesterday.
I guess it's now time to start doing all those things that supposedly bring on labor. I say supposedly because I'm a little skeptical that any of them actually work.
But I'll do most of them. I'll walk stairs and drink soy milk and blue cohosh. I'll eat dates and spicy food (your dad sure will be happy if I start making salsa everyday again). I will be more, ahem, active with your dad and I'll keep walking everyday. But I know you'll come when you're ready. I just hope we're ready.
We've been trying to prepare. I have gotten almost all my school work done ahead of time. We've set up your crib and organized all your cute little baby clothes. I've stocked up on easy-to-prepare food (like frozen burritos and waffles). And we've prayed everyday to be the kind of parents you need us to be.
This is you. Already being adorable.
I feel like I've been preparing to be your mother my whole life. And yet, I don't feel ready. Is anyone ever ready, though, to be a parent? Really? I don't know. I guess in some ways.
All I know is, ready or not, you're coming. I'm so excited to see you, to hold you. I know you're dad is too. In fact, everyone is. Everyone is so excited for your arrival. You have no idea the world you're being born into, how many people you'll be surrounded by who love you. They've all been so supportive and generous as we've prepared for you, it chokes me up.
Some shower gifts. Everyone already loves you.
So while I know you'll come when you come (and I still enjoy being pregnant), I am excited for your birth. I can't wait to meet you, to see what you look like. Take your time, but really, all of us who are here waiting for you would love if you hurried it along.
After all, your due date was yesterday.
Love,
Mom
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