A Different Life

Dear Ash,

Life is totally different with you here.

Of course, I already knew that would happen. Everybody says it will happen. It's an obvious fact. But knowing something like this with your head is WAY different than knowing it through experience.

I now plan everything I do and everywhere I go around your feeding schedule. Because planning your feeding schedule around my life just doesn't work.

We also now try to plan everything around your sleeping schedule. These two are harder, simply because you're young enough that your sleeping and feeding "schedules" don't really follow a set schedule.

Grocery shopping, visiting teaching, school, homework, even making dinner are all a little trickier now than before.

I am finding that I am running late a lot more often with you around. That's because waking up (which can be hard when you don't sleep, meaning I don't sleep), getting breakfast, getting Benjamin breakfast, feeding you, showering, getting ready, getting you ready, feeding you again, packing your diaper bag with everything you might possibly need in the next few hours, and calming you down after we put you in your carseat makes 9:00 church seem a few hours earlier than it really is.

Date night has become trickier. Before you were born, pretty much any day could be date night. We literally did whatever we wanted. Now, we if we want to go out, we have to find someone to watch you and I have to pump beforehand. That, or take you with us and hope you sleep. If we want to eat out, one of us goes to get food while the other stays home with you. When we want to watch a show together, we wait until you are fed and changed and sound asleep. Which means sometimes, we just don't watch something together.

Yes, it definitely is different. Sometimes I find myself missing the time I had before (especially the time with Benjamin). And then I feel guilty for missing it, because I do not wish you weren't here. But things are harder now.

One thing I keep thinking about is this time last year. I was in school at BYU, working part time, Ben was doing the same. We were busy and happy, but I ached for a baby. I ached for you. I knew that I wanted to be a mother and I didn't want to wait. It was my greatest desire, but for many reasons, we did wait. At least, for as long as I could stand it.

Love,
Mom